Friday, July 16, 2010

a grown up?

so last weekend i attended a singles conference hosted by mid-singles from church.  the organizers did a great job and i had a great time at the activities i attended with friends.  dinner and a river boat cruise up the potomac with amazing views of dc was fun and the dancing was hilarious.  imagine if you will, almost 300 singles "trapped" on a river boat for three hours with only witty repartee and a dance dj for entertainment.  i felt as though i was back in high school.

remember that feeling in the pit of your stomach when going to a high school dance or other social event, and hoping that you'll meet someone who will you're think attractive too, and validate your entire existence by asking you to dance or even asking you on a date?  that feeling in the pit of your stomach that somehow you're not going to measure up?  that conversation you have with yourself about not getting your hopes up, because what's going to make this time any different from the last 12 times?  and besides they're just boys, and really who needs'em?

i remember this all too well, because i experienced feelings that i hadn't felt in years again last weekend as I was standing on that boat headed up the potomac.  i'm 36 years old, have a great job, lived abroad, deployed to a war zone and sang the national anthem for a crowd of 20,000, and yet last weekend i felt insecure, that somehow once again i wasn't going to measure up and my entire existence needed to be validated by a boy.  it was like i was 17 again and going to a sock hop at school.

the fact that even still in my late thirties i was quaking in my heels and suddenly feeling as though my entire existence need validation from the opposite sex confounded me, threw me for a loop.  seriously.

i guess i still have some growing up to do.  sheesh.


Tara said...

I don't think that feeling ever goes away. No matter what you accomplish in this life, in the end you're still just a girl asking a boy to love you. (Quote from Notting Hill, one of your fave movies I believe--at least we watched it together in the theatre more than once!) I still feel that way sometimes, even though I'm married. Even though I know he loves me, sometimes I just need him to validate it-- 'cause, we ALL need to feel validated by someone of the opposite sex! Sounds like a fun and romantic time though! I bet it was a blast!

sylvia/ticklethepear said...

I don't feel very much different either - if I knew how challenging marriage would be (and we have a good one) I'd have appreciated singlehood a lot more.