Tuesday, June 28, 2011

moving



So, this moving thing has thrown me for a bit of an psycho-emotional loop. (Yes, I'm psycho and yes I'm emotional.) It's been a little scarier than usual to make this move and it's only four blocks--that's right only four blocks. You'd think this would be easier compared to moving from Utah to DC or putting my stuff in storage to head off to Afghanistan. I'm even way more organized for this move than I have been for any other moves. I'm just determined to make this as physically painless as possible and it's working.

But, and yes there is a but, I'm having a bit of trouble emotionally making this move. It turns out that this is a pretty big step for me towards the life I have always envisioned for myself and it's scary as heck! Funny and a bit scary just how much this move represents for me.

I've been resisting moving on from a couple of issues in my life and this move to a bigger, above-ground space has opened up a whole set of dragons to be dealt with in order to feel good about this change. It's all good and what's been boiling up to the surface really is stuff that needs to be dealt with, and initially it was proving much more difficult than I thought.

So, why is it that fear rears its ugly head when great things are happening or good decisions are being made? Why am I so afraid of good things happening? Well, that's a question I took to a good friend who has a gift for helping people see themselves as God sees them and also for helping them "let go and let God." In talking with her about my feelings, I've seen once again just how much God loves me and how aware of me and my problems He is. He really does know me, what I need and he gives it so freely.

I know this stuff. It's not anything new to me, but what is amazing to me is how easy it is for him to heal and give answers sometimes. I shouldn't be so surprised by this, but I always am, just a little. It's like I don't quite trust the system yet, even though time and time again it's been proven to work. I think that somehow maybe I'm not truly worthy of help or a quick answer, but as it turns out I'm just afraid. God sees my fear and works through it anyway. I'm working on that having no fear thing, and I'm guessing it will be a life long project.

In the meantime, I'm concentrating on moving forward with faith and putting those things over which I have no control in God's hands. After all he created this world, so I'm pretty certain he can create good stuff out of my personal chaos and help me tame my inner dragons.

I really love my cute, little apartment. It's been a cozy refuge from the storm for me, even with all the craziness of break-ins, mice and birds that have happened over the past few months. It's been good for me to be on my own and see what I'm capable of doing.

I'm excited for my new space, and I'm going to have soooo much space. I'm going to have lots of sunlight, a front and back garden to care for, and a front porch to sit on and read. And this is the life I've dreamed of having for a long time now, and I'm taking the first steps towards making it mine. Scary? Totally! Exciting? You bet'cha! It wouldn't be worth doing if I didn't have to stretch myself a bit and do some more growing.

So, here's to moving, changing, growing, believing, accepting and good things happening!

1 comment:

Angela said...

I love your thoughts on this and your self analysis. I think we all go through these phases--I know that I have 99.9% faith that everything will work out, but it's just that .1% that I hang onto for some reason.

By the way, are you buying this? It kind of sounded like it at first but I wasn't sure!