hopeful

I was sorting through some writing and found this piece, that I wrote in July 2010. And then I found out I was selected for Chief.




i feel hopeful.


they say that when you stop looking, that's when it happens.  they say that when you least expect it, opportunity knocks.  they say that it's best to keep your expectations low because then you're not disappointed.  they say a lot of things, don't they?


i refuse to let go of hope or expectations.  i refuse to stop looking or sit around waiting.  in fact, i think i do a pretty good job of not sitting around waiting.  i don't look up expecting mr. opportunity to walk through the door or around the corner.  i live my life, moving forward, enjoying each moment and simply living.


i'm totally and fully aware that my life my own and i like to put it in the lord's hands.  he's in charge and he knows best.  he knows who i am, and who and what i need in my life to be the best me.  i'm content to leave myself in his hands, and live.  besides, i've discovered that when i let him be in charge, that's when i'm the happiest.


but, i can't help feeling hopeful, like right around the bend there's something waiting for me. i don't know what, but there's something there ahead in my road.  i can feel it.  it's just out of grasp and elusive, but it's there.


it's a bit scary.  the last time i felt this way, i ended up deploying to afghanistan.  i don't really want to do that again, but i'm open to whatever the next step is.  it's not easy to be open, but i don't want to put limits on this.  i want to be as open as i can be, so that i recognize the unexpected and can move with it, see how it feels and figure out my part and place in it.


i'm excited to see what it is, how this act will end.  it's a bit breathtaking to have such endless possibilities lying in wait.  and no matter how i try to squelch the feeling, i still feel hopeful.


they might think i'm silly, but i just can't shake this feeling.  i like feeling hopeful.  it makes me smile.  it makes life fun, fresh and full of sparkle and faith.


and so i feel alive.
forward moving.
keen.
hopeful.

what's in store

I wrote this post yesterday and scheduled it for posting the next morning. I then found two more posts I wrote several months along the same theme, that I never shared. There's a theme here that I really like.

I wrote this May 2011.

sometimes i have trouble seeing the road, having an idea of upcoming experiences, or anticipating the way ahead. i get a little impatient when i am this way and i want to see what's going to happen, read the last page before i get to the end of the book. i have to remind myself that this isn't how life is. i don't always get to see the end before i get there.


more and more lately, i've been receiving road signs regarding upcoming experiences in my life. it's exciting and terrifying at the same time. and strangely, because i have an idea of the ending, i find myself able to be patient and trust. even though i have a million more questions that i want to ask, i find myself compelled to just wait.


the hardest part is removing obstacles that will hold me back from what awaits, maintaining the faith that, if i can let go of what i have right now, what is in store is even better than anticipated.


i once had to choose between buying a plane ticket home to see my boyfriend and family, or paying my tithing. i chose to pay my tithing and as i did, i was filled with the certainty that everything i wanted would be given to me. i didn't get a plane ticket home, but i did get surprised by my boyfriend flying in for the holidays. i spent ten days with a man i cared about and had a glorious time, and it was so much better than what i had planned or even dreamed.


i feel like i'm in a similar situation, choosing between two good things, but one is better. one shows god i'm serious about him and what i truly want in my life. it's all about where my heart is and how i want my life to be. sometimes i feel like i've been preparing for this moment my entire life and all i have to do is let go and let god.


here's to letting go with faith.

thank you

several people lately have said to me that they enjoy reading my blog, that it's one of the blogs that gets them through their day at work, or as my dad said, you need to write more and write about the fish you had for dinner at the inn at harlech castle in wales.

i started the blog in fall 2007 as i was preparing to deploy to afghanistan. i wanted a way to let my family and friends know what was going on with me, and a blog seemed easier to manage than an email list. i enjoyed sharing my adventures there and kept on sharing after i returned home to washington, dc. this has become a bit of a public journal for me to let friends and family know about my adventures and to share my writing.

i enjoy writing a lot. i'm working on more things to write. lately, most of my writing is so personal about things i'm sorting through in my head and heart, that quite frankly i'm a bit scared to post it publicly. i'm working on that and as i do, i'll share more of my writing and tell more stories.

well, in the spirit of writing something today, i just want to write a thank you note to my readers. i love that you read and enjoy my blog. it really does make me smile when i read your comments. so, thanks a million for reading and commenting.

p.s. don't worry dad, i'll write more and eventually share the fish story.

happy mother's day

h a p p y  m o t h e r ' s  d a y ! !

i am so blessed to have so many good mother's in my life.

i love them all.

filled up

i needed to take deep breaths in snow covered mountains 

and fill that space in my chest that felt so hollow and empty, 

so i went home to the house i grew up in and stood on the front porch and looked.

i stood still in barely green fields and drank in a sky so blue it hurt my eyes.

i blinked against the light reflecting off pure white clouds.

i drank my fill of snow covered mountains.

i wondered at the beauty before me.

i gulped in cold air under warm sun and felt myself filling up.

and i dreamed of a view like this every day.

i drank my fill of the view

and watched the sun set over the mountains from the front porch of the house i grew up in.

three things

three things today that made smile

1. i woke up without a headache after going to sleep with one. tylenol pm really works!

2. i listened to my ipod at work while working on a brief all day long that i finally finished a few minutes ago and sent off for approval.

3. the anticipation of a phone call.

4. looking at my family calendar hanging at my desk and thinking that i have the awesome-est family in the whole wide world.

5. the sun came this afternoon after the rain this morning.

6. i'm wearing a new shirt and cardigan today and i feel cute.

7. i'm going grocery shopping after work and have plans to buy some really yummy ingredients for some super yummy food.

8. i brought my workout gear and will get in a good sweat before heading to the grocery store.

okay, that's more than three, but i just couldn't stop myself. a good day all around.

love is...

"Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners.  Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway."

-- Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975

to be better

What a weekend of events we’ve had on our little blue planet in our small, somewhat unknown corner of the universe. I normally do not comment on political events on my blog. I find that political discussion invites an incivility and ugliness in which I do not care to engage.  I was unsure whether to write about the events of Sunday evening, but after reading much of the news on my return home yesterday, I decided to share some thoughts.

First of all I must be clear, the following opinion is mine alone, and does not represent opinions of the Departments of the Navy or Defense for whom I work.

I was at home in Utah visiting my parents this weekend. My mom and I were sitting in the living room talking, when the phone rang Sunday night. It was my brother J telling us to turn on the news. When I asked him why, he said that Osama Bin Laden had been killed and the President was getting ready to make a statement. My dad joined us, and we watched the news as a family.

I deployed to Afghanistan in 2008 for about a year. While there, I felt once again the effects of September 11^th, and saw how much damage a relatively small group of people were inflicting on that nation. It was an eye opening year.

So, when I heard the news of Bin Laden’s death, it felt a little personal, because I had been there and seen how the lives of fellow human beings were still being haunted by this man. For that matter, one year of my “normal” life was taken away as a result of this man’s ideology and actions.

I felt relief and satisfaction on one hand, and yet, on the other hand, my heart was aching. I hate that as a human race, we must resort to an eye for an eye, that to set right over three thousand wrongful deaths we must kill one more human being. I get that it’s part of our human condition, but I still don’t like it. I want us to be better.

I watched the crowds celebrating in Washington, DC and New York City, NY, and felt a mixture of emotion: understanding, relief, excitement, shame and concern.

I was stationed in London, UK on September 11^th.  I remember watching crowds of people in other countries celebrate our nation’s tragedy. A young woman, not from England, told me to my face, that my country deserved what had happened because we are arrogant. I remember the anger I felt and thinking that I refused with all my heart to be like those people.

I also remember our doorman, Abdul-lah from Iraq, who said to me, “Our worlds may be at war, but you and I, we are not. We are friendly and have respect for each other.” His kindness towards me and my roommates epitomizes the best of human relations and I remember him with fondness. I want to be like him and reach out in kindness to others, and refuse to allow cultural and political differences to obstruct my view of my brothers and sisters.

As a nation and a people, I think we are better than the celebration of another human being’s death that was shown to the world on television Sunday night. We are also better than the vitriol and ugliness, we have in our current political discussions, but that’s for another post. We must be better. It wasn’t too long ago that America was regarded as a light in many parts of the world. I’m not sure of all that caused this to change, but I hope we can find more ways to let our light shine further, brighter and purer.

I am relieved that the symbol of so much hatred and wrongful use of power is gone. I spread the news by calling other members of my family. My brother R2 even thanked me, saying that I had played a small part in this event. I sent texts to close friends with whom I served in Afghanistan. We are all glad that he is gone.

Honestly, I did not want my tax dollars going to support any breath of air that that man would draw while awaiting a trial.  I hesitate to say that I am glad that Bin Laden is dead, but I am. I am also relieved that we do not have the responsibility of ensuring his safety and well-being until his trial was over and he was executed. So all this seems to me, a bit better than him still alive, because either way he would have eventually died.

For Soldiers, Sailors, Airman and Marines in Afghanistan and other places in the world, the war still goes on. It’s business as usual with a now heightened alert status. These men and women don’t get to come home tomorrow. Too many of them will not step onto American soil under their own power, but will instead be carried on the shoulders of their brothers- and sisters-in-arms to a final resting place while loved ones watch with tears in their eyes. 

Bin Laden’s death doesn’t change any of this. He didn't personally pull the trigger, plant IEDs, pilot a plane or wear a suicide bomb vest, but he did provide the means for other people to do these things. He has a long history of promoting violence and hatred. He even created a secret alliance to carry out such atrocities in the name of God. He planted an ideology of war and hate into hearts and minds, and perversely called it religion.

If nothing else, at least, today there is one less person in the world contributing to the corruption of a religion, hatred towards his fellow man and the ability to carry out violence. And when I think about that, I feel relieved.

What replaces the evil that was snuffed out? Is it rejoicing over someone’s death? A sense that justice has been served? A resolve to be better and do more to show the kind of nation and people we truly are? A hope that good will reign in the hearts of men? Love and service to our fellow brothers and sisters, no matter what their word for God is? Will we just be better? I hope so.

We still have a long way to go, and more people will die. Some of these people will have committed the atrocities, and others, necessarily so, will be defending against those atrocities. I, for one, do not want the sacrifices on my behalf to be dishonored or forgotten. I want to be better than what I saw in a lot of people over these past few days. I want us to be better.

As someone who enjoys the benefits of democracy and the light of freedom, I want this to be my legacy: That I strive to uphold the Constitution, seek goodness in all its forms, and love and serve my brothers and sisters everywhere.

I urge you to think about your own legacy and how you want to be remembered. People choosing light and goodness are powerful, even more powerful than those who choose the opposite.