someone carried His cross

I thought a lot about Simon over Easter weekend, and into this week.  Simon, the one who carried Jesus’ cross to the top of Golgotha.  We don’t know a lot about Simon , only that as he was passing by, the soldiers “…laid hold upon one Simon… and on him they laid cross, that he might bear it after Jesus” (Luke 23:26). 

I’m a curious woman, so I did a little research.  Simon was a common name among both Jews and Greeks, and it is unknown whether he was Jew or Gentile.  He was “..a man of Cyrene…” (Matthew 27: 32); Cyrene was a city in North Africa just off the coast in today’s northeastern Libya.  Mark recorded that Simon was a father to Alexander and Rufus (Mark 15:21).  He was a visitor to Jerusalem.  “…coming in from the country…” (Luke 23:26).  But I don’t think these facts are important, as they don’t add anything of relevance to the experience. 

The accounts in Matthew, Mark and Luke do not mention why Simon was “compelled to bear His cross” (Matthew 27:32).  The assumption is that after a night of torture by Roman soldiers, Christ was too weak to carry the cross beam himself.  The soldiers, recognizing His weakness, found a bystander to carry the cross for Him up to Golgotha. 

As I pondered on all this, I was struck by the realization that Christ needed to know what it was like to have another person bear His cross.  He needed to experience the feeling of being unable to bear His own cross, and of having someone bear it for Him.  He needed to know the difficulty, pain, and even the humiliation of letting another person in, during a moment of absolute and utter weakness, to help him, to bear His cross. 

And that's where we are every day.  We feel that weakness, that pain, that humiliation.  We don’t want to let Him bear it for us.  We are compelled to humble ourselves when we allow Him bear it for us, when we give it to Him.  Christ needed to feel all we feel to truthfully say He personally knows how we feel and can succor us. 

There is so much of significance to be explored here.  But for me this Easter weekend, the importance of Simon following Jesus up the hill of Golgotha bearing His cross took on greater meaning for me.  Jesus Christ knows how I feel when I need Him to carry my burdens, because He needed Simon’s help carrying His.  This means He really does know how I feel when I need help.  He knows my pain and humiliation.  He knows my weakness.  He knows how I feel when He picks up my cross and bears it for me.  Christ knows all this for you too. 

I’m grateful for both Simon’s and Christ’s examples.  It helps me know I can call on Jesus in my weakness and He will know how to help me.  I’m grateful for the pondering and learning through the Spirit that led me to this deeper understanding of Christ’s Atonement and suffering for me, for all of us. 

Increasing Spiritual Capacity to "Hear Him"

I was asked to teach the Relief Society lesson in March from Sister Michelle Craig’s talk from the October 2019 called Spiritual Capacity (Link:  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/15craig?lang=eng). I wanted to share it on my blog, because I wanted to follow the prompting. 

What an interesting time we are living in!  Sister Craig’s conference address seems so timely right now.  She reiterated President Nelson’s powerful invitation from two years ago: “My beloved brothers and sisters, I plead with you to increase your spiritual capacity to receive revelation. … Choose to do the spiritual work required to enjoy the gift of the Holy Ghost and hear the voice of the Spirit more frequently and more clearly” (Russell M. Nelson, “Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2018, 96; emphasis added.  Link:  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2018/04/revelation-for-the-church-revelation-for-our-lives?lang=eng). 

Sister Craig’s talk builds on President Nelson’s invitation to increase our ability or capacity to recognize and receive personal revelation from our Heavenly Father.  A young woman recently asked her, “How can I tell when God is trying to tell me something?”  We all struggle with this.  I recently questioned if a repeated thought to do something was because of worldly hype or the Holy Spirit’s prompting.  It was hard to tell the difference, but as I checked in with myself, and said a prayer I felt a quiet feeling that I was listening to the right voice.  I began to act, and later my husband confirmed he had also received similar guidance.  Between these two experiences, I felt confident I was hearing Him tell me to do something.

Elder David A. Bednar held a recent devotional for the Church Education System (CES) teachers where he shared many thoughts about how we can tell when God is trying to communicate with us, along with tips for teaching this to youth.  If I were teaching this lesson in person, I would have us watch the first part of his remarks as part of our Sunday Relief Society meeting.  I invite you to watch the first 15-20 minutes of this devotional linked below.  As you watch, pay close attention to Elder Bednar’s explanation of the gift of the Holy Ghost and how he truly is our constant companion, and to his descriptions of Nephi and Oliver Cowdrey’s experiences in recognizing and receiving revelation.  We can apply these lessons to our own lives.  We are all teachers, and this whole devotional is a spiritual treasure box in helping us to learn and teach these important lessons.  The apostolic blessing he gives at the end of the devotional is for “wherever you may be, anywhere in the world,” and will impart much strength and hope to you.  (An Evening With a General Authority – Elder Bednar Discussion, February 2020.  Link:  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/broadcasts/watch/evening-with-a-general-authority/2020/02?lang=eng&vid=6129806906001)  

           

Sister Craig shares four ways to increase our spiritual capacity to receive revelation.

1.  Be Intentional about Creating Time and Space to Hear God’s Voice.  “…use your agency to carve out time every day to draw close to God’s voice, especially in the Book of Mormon, over time His voice will become clearer and more familiar to you.”  You can choose to start now to do this.  God will bless your efforts, no matter how small or where you are in this process.  Keep going and trying, and you will blessed with increased spiritual capacity to hear His voice more clearly.

2.  Act Without Delay.  “When you receive promptings and then act with intention, the Lord can use you. The more you act, the more familiar the voice of the Spirit becomes.”  Some of my greatest regrets are times when I know I received distinct revelation and then did not act.  I am grateful for the gift of repentance and being able to start again to act on the revelation I am given.  I know you will be blessed as you do the same. 

3.  Get Your Errand From the Lord.  “You can pray and ask the Lord for an errand. As you do, He can use your ordinary skills to accomplish His extraordinary work…. The Lord sends revelation to those seeking to help others.”  I love Sister Craig’s story of how her grandfather responded to promptings to help a brother he was assigned to home teach.  He left church on a Sunday, and went to help him finish roofing his house all while dressed in his suit.  The brother responded by putting down his hammer, and returning to church.  We too may receive unexpected guidance on how to serve our family and neighbors, and we must be ready to act on what the Lord wants us to do.  We are His hands, and He knows the needs of others better than we do. 

4.  Believe and Trust.  “… each of us has a different mission to perform, and at times the Spirit may call us in ‘another way.’ There are many ways to build the kingdom of God as covenant-making, covenant-keeping disciples of Jesus Christ. As His faithful disciple, you can receive personal inspiration and revelation, consistent with His commandments, that is tailored to you. You have unique missions and roles to perform in life and will be given unique guidance to fulfill them.”  Because we are each different, Heavenly Father can and will speak to us in ways we can understand, and at times that may seem surprising.  I often listen to scriptures and conference talks from the Gospel Library app on my commute.  On my way home one day, as I listened, I received an answer to a question I had struggled with for years.  I was not in a quiet place--I was on a metro escalator.  I believe that because I was making an effort to keep my heart focused on Christ and making my own quiet place, the Spirit was able to speak to me even in the midst of a rush hour commute on a metro escalator.  I learned an important lesson from that experience.  God meets us where we are and gives us what we need, sometimes when we least expect it.  He wants to tell us what we need to know!  Our task is to be as ready and open as we can to recognize and receive it on His timetable. 

           

By applying the principles taught in the lessons from both Sister Craig and Elder Bednar, I believe each of us can increase our capacity to recognize the Spirit and act on the revelation we receive.  We need revelation more than ever for our family, our friends and our neighbors.  I’m sure many of you over the past week or so have been praying for help from heaven to navigate your families safely through the unsettling events happening right now.  I pray the thoughts I shared with you will help to spark confidence in your own spiritual capacity as well as help identify areas of improvement.  I know we are daughters of Heavenly Parents who love us.  I know Jesus Christ lives and He is our Savior; His atonement is real.  I know Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers.  I know He will bless us to increase our ability to “Hear Him” and recognize the still small voice of the Holy Ghost, who is our promised constant companion.  This is my testimony of the principles taught here.  (#HearHim: President Nelson Invites Us to Hear the Voice of the Lord, link: https://youtu.be/sGhQym_vhFU)

Sister Craig ends her talk with her own testimony:  “Each one of us, regardless of age or circumstance, can strive to seek, receive, and act.  As you follow this eternal pattern… you will draw nearer to Jesus Christ—His love, His light, His direction, His peace, and His healing and enabling power.  And you will increase your spiritual capacity to become an everyday instrument of His hands in accomplishing His great work. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.” 

Questions to consider:

1.  How can I create a time and space to increase my ability to hear God?

2.  Who does Heavenly Father want me to help and what does He want me to do?

3.  Who can I teach these principles to solidify my understanding of them?

j & c's story - part four

During that first week, so many tests were run to figure out what I was actually sick with, and the doctors were getting no answers. The chiefs of infectious disease and pulmonary medicine were both on my case, and were the nicest doctors ever. The infectious disease doc even looked like Kris Kringle from the original “Miracle on 34^th Street.” Both of them would pat my hand reassuringly as they would prepare to leave my room.

In the meantime, Jesse got used to being called Mr. Boyer by the stream of nurses, doctors and technicians who came and went. It was just easier to let it go than explain to everyone that we were only engaged. My pulmonary medicine doctor had apparently talked with one of my nurses and learned that we were engaged. He asked us our story during a visit, and was so taken by it that he kept asking questions. Soon everyone knew that we were not married, but engaged, and were even more impressed by Jesse’s very apparent loving care of me.

Throughout this week, Heavenly Father’s care for me was also very readily apparent. Jesse also gave me a blessing before each of the big tests I would undergo, which helped me a lot to stay calm.

The pulmonary chief decided he needed samples of the fluid both in and around my lungs. Drawing fluid from around my lungs required a needle to be inserted into my upper-lower back into the pleural space (yes, I WebMD’ed this) to collect the fluid specimen.

The pulmonary doc did this procedure himself right there in my hospital room. I sat on the edge of bed supported by the table, Jesse and a nurse, a very nice young woman who was wearing a hijab. The doc administered a local anesthetic in the spot he would insert the needle, which thankfully worked very well because I didn’t feel a thing. He inserted the very large needle through my back into the pleural sack and after waiting for a moment no fluid came out. He withdrew the needle, and announced he would need to try again. I was holding onto both Jesse and the nurse’s hands. As the doctor prepared to insert the needle a second time, I began to pray out loud whispering quietly, asking Heavenly Father help make this time successful. I hadn’t even finished my prayer, when the doctor announced it was working and he collected enough fluid for the required tests. I thanked Heavenly Father and relaxed my grip on the hands I was holding. The nurse looked at me with tears in her eyes, and squeezed my hand while the doctor put a Band-Aid on my back. I’ve never experienced such an instantaneous answer to prayer before. I knew I was being watched over, and I experienced no pain at all from this procedure.

Daily blood draws were a nightmare. The vampires… er, phlebotomists were really good their jobs and for the most part didn’t hurt me. The only problem was that one phlebotomist kept using the same spot to draw blood for three days straight. Finally on the fourth day, my poor, tired, little vein decided enough was enough and collapsed. The attempted blood draw was so painful, I wanted to smash the guy’s face into the bed rail. I refused to let him or anyone else touch me again for several hours. Finally, a young woman convinced me to let her try on the back of my hand.  She was successful--thanks heavens!

I even had a bronchoscopy so that the kind pulmonary doc could look at my lungs on the inside and collect tissue samples. Thankfully, I was put under while the scope and pincers were inserted and biopsies collected, but awakened to violent, bloody coughing and nose blowing. I used up a small box of tissues until I could catch my breath and stop coughing. It was pretty awful. The good doctor was so kind to me though, and stayed in the room with his anesthetist until I was breathing regularly.

The blood and tissue tests kept coming back with negative results. In other words, they couldn’t figure out what was causing the pneumonia. Among other things, I was even tested for cancer, hence the lung tissue biopsies, which came back negative too. This was all both good and bad, because it meant that it wasn’t a funky bacterial thing or streptococcal infection, but they had no idea what was going on.

One night I was awakened for the hourly vital signs check by the night nurse, and I could barely move I was tired. I remember feeling so tired that I almost didn’t say anything to the nurse. I mustered up the strength to tell her that everything felt really heavy and dark. Immediately, she tested my blood oxygen level which was in the low 80s. A team came rushing into the room with a nebulizer. They removed the nasal cannula and fit the nebulizer over my face and turned up the oxygen. I had to use this for the next couple of days until my levels were constantly above 92, and then they weaned me off of it and back onto the nasal cannula. I hadn’t experienced not having sufficient oxygen before and it was a weird feeling.

Everyone took such good care of me, and Jesse led the way. He helped me to eat, and drink, to sit up, and held my hand through every blood draw. I was so thankful he was there because of him I was never alone during that first week. My housemate LP was a lifesaver, bringing needed clothing and toiletries, and her miraculous turkey neck broth with rice that tasted so good in comparison to the hospital food. My friend SAS also came a couple of times sitting with me as well so Jesse could get food and shower.

We were told that I needed to go 48 hours without a fever with urine and bowel movements on my own before they would even begin to consider releasing from the hospital. So, the big goal became to get my temperature down and keep it down. The fever would break for a few hours and then shoot up back again.

Finally, I got a break. My fever broke and stayed away for 24 hours, so we started feeling hopeful. I started sitting in the chair for a couple of hours at a time. I went to the bathroom by myself a couple of times. The physical therapist visited and I went for a walk down the hallway. I was quite a sight, I had the oxygen, IV and a walker. I was wearing two hospital gowns, one to cover my front and one to cover my back, and those awesome hospital socks with the anti-skid plastic on the bottom.  Plus, I had a big belt around my waist that the PT used to steady me when I got a little wobbly. I made it to the end of the hallway and back with my entourage attending me every step of the way, and a high-five from my doctor when he saw me out and about. 

We were one step closer to me going home.

j & c's story - part three

So, we were engaged. And apart. Yet things were going well despite the fact we missed each other desperately. We began planning a trip to Utah over Memorial Day weekend so that my family could meet Jesse. Little did we know that God had other plans for us.

About three weeks after his visit to DC and proposal to me, Jesse called me one Friday morning in late April out of the blue. His job was over and he was laid off. He wanted to know if he should say in Iowa and wait for the Union to call him out to a new job or drive to DC and spend a few days with me waiting for his new job. Of course, the answer was simple. He drove 900 miles and was in DC early the next morning. It was great being together again.

That evening we went to Union Station and had dinner at Shake Shack, because their fries and concretes (shakes made from custard) are ridiculously good. Then we hopped on the metro to go see a movie together in Chinatown. Jesse had never ridden a metro before so it was fun to show him the ropes. He said it was like being in a movie because he was doing something that he had only seen in movies or TV shows.

Of course, I had to go work like a normal person, so Jesse spent time catching up on things he needed to do. We spent every evening together for the next week cooking, relaxing, dinner with friends from my ward, and just spending time talking and planning. Things were going really well between us.

By Friday afternoon, I was really looking forward to the weekend with Jesse. We had plans to go out for Indian food and walk the monuments as the weather was nice. I left work not feeling too great, as I was having chest pains and couldn't seem to quite catch my breathe. The pains weren't too severe, but I had never felt anything like it. We opted to stay in and have a quiet night relaxing to see if I felt better. Both Jesse and my housemate were concerned, and came up with different ideas of what could be wrong. By ten o'clock that evening, the chest pains were a lot worse, breathing was difficult and painful, and I was running a fever. Jesse made the call that it was obvious I was getting worse, and that I needed to go to urgent care. After giving me a priesthood blessing we headed out.

After ruling out a heart attack with an EKG, the doctors and nurses started running other tests. Blood was drawn, chest x-rays taken, a CAT scan with contrast dye (iodine yucky!) was completed and an IV needle was poked into my arm. By the time all this was done, I was very thankful for a wheelchair, as I felt considerably weaker and was having a hard walking on my own.  Finally, they asked me for a urine sample. Jesse helped me walk the short distance and take care of things.

I stood washing my hands, and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. I was a little shocked by how sick and haggard I looked. I started to feel a little worried, and then I had a very distinct thought, "This is why Jesse is here." As I absorbed this thought, another thought came into my mind, "It's serious, but you are going to be okay." These two thoughts together were so clear and unmistakable, that I knew they were not my own, but impressions from the Spirit.

Finally, the doctor came back with his official diagnosis: "You have pneumonia!!! Here have some Motrin 800, a strong antibiotic and an excuse from work on Monday!!! And you'll be better and able to go work on Tuesday!!!!" And he sent us home. We collapsed around four o'clock in the morning.

That weekend Jesse played nurse, cook, launderer, and assistant. I was miserable. My chest hurt so dang bad. Sneezing hurt. Breathing hurt. Yawning hurt. Swallowing hurt. Everything hurt because lungs are essential to well... everything! And by Monday I was not better, in fact I was much, much worse with a consistent fever.

So, that afternoon back to urgent care we went. The doctor this time was amazing. He had had pneumonia earlier in the year, and knew just how miserable it is. He said he was so miserable and in pain that all he could do at one point was moan. I totally understood what he meant, except that I hurt too much to moan. We repeated all the tests from Friday night which all came back the same as before, but showing fluid not just in my lungs but outside them as well. It also appeared that the antibiotic was not having any effect.

As we discussed my care options and the test results the doctor was concerned because he said that the blood cultures and other labs were all coming back negative and not showing any cause for the pneumonia. Basically, my systems were more severe than what the tests were showing. And given the severity of my symptoms he felt that I needed to be monitored overnight, which they were prepared to do there. Additionally, we needed to request a bed at a hospital if I did not improve overnight. He didn't think we would need it, but it was better to be prepared.

That night in urgent care was miserable. I was given three different IV antibiotics and each time they switched to a new one I would throw up. My fever was climbing too and I had the most severe, deep and painful chills I have ever experienced in my life. The worst was when I had to go for another CAT scan with contrast. They did the first scan and then administered the iodine dye via IV. I felt my whole body go warm from the iodine dye for about a minute and then I crashed into full on chills. I was so cold and in so much pain that I was shivering and my teeth were chattering so hard that I had to be lifted from the scan table back into the wheel chair by the technician.

Once I got back to my room in urgent care, the nurses grabbed blankets from the warmer to cover me up. (Honestly, those warm blankets are the best thing ever in all the universe and world...seriously!) I was finally warm and not shivering when my new nurse walked in the room.

This woman made Miss Hannigan seem like a good guardian for orphan girls. She ripped the warm blankets off of me, saying that we needed to get my fever down and that I needed to be uncovered to do so. She wouldn't let Jesse help me any more, because "I needed to learn to help myself and use my own strength to sit up and stand if I was going to have any chance at getting better." She was not pleased that she had clean up vomit either and complained loud enough to the nurses at the station outside my room, that I heard her. Honestly, I get tough love, but this woman's bedside manner was so brusque and uncaring that it was all I could do not to order her out. But then again, I didn't have the strength to do it. When I went to the bathroom with Jesse's help and went back to bed afterwards wearing socks because my feet were so cold, she tore them off without even asking permission to do so because my fever had shot up even more. And when I started having chills again, Jesse was the one who got me warm blankets so that I could warm up again over her objections.

By the time morning rolled around and the new doctor said he was sending me to the hospital I was so relieved to get away from "Nurse Hannigan" that I didn't care that I was being admitted to the hospital for the first time in my life. After an ambulance ride during which I was swaddled in warm blankets, I feel asleep as soon as I was settled into my hospital bed. The nurses just left me alone until Jesse got there.

For the next three or four days, I had IVs with loads of antibiotics, and morphine for the pain (hallelujah morphine!). Oh, and the daily blood draws from the same vein in my arm were loads of fun. I was on oxygen too. My blood oxygen levels were carefully monitored. With a 103-104 degree fever running consistently they put me on a cooling blanket to bring the fever down. So much fun!  I even got my first catheter (ahhhhh the relief!).

I was so exhausted that I didn't want to talk on the phone or watch television. Jesse stayed at my side and gave my parents updates three times a day on how I was doing. He also talked with people from work and church to give them updates as well. We allowed only two people to visit, my housemate LP and my dear friend SAS. I listened to hymns on Pandora and Jesse read scriptures to me for a while, but mostly I just slept.

I had moments of lucidity but was having horrible hallucinations from the morphine. The bacteria was alive all around me, and threatening me. People who were the wrong colors with rainbow neon colored skin, hair, and clothing, wanted to help me and were freaking me out. I was stuck alone in a room in an abandoned outpost in Afghanistan and could hear the enemy getting closer and closer, but could do nothing to help myself because I was so sick. I finally had to tell myself on this last one that it wasn't real and that I just needed to open my eyes. Thankfully that worked and I didn't revisit that particular hallucination again.

The nurses were amazing during that first week. They helped me keep my spirits up, which was pretty hard to do. They made sure both Jesse and I were comfortable, and coordinated treatments, tests and doctors visits. I credit much of my recovery to them. They were just incredible.


More to follow on part four....

thoughtful thursday: be patient, dream and pray

"Too often we pray to have patience but we want it right now."
"Sincere prayer is answered sometime, somewhere."
"He that watches over us shall neither slumber nor sleep."
Elder Hales,

"God expects you to have enough faith
and determination
and enough trust in Him to keep moving,
keep living,
keep rejoicing.
In fact,
He expects you not simply to face the future...
He expects you to embrace and shape the future—
to love it
and rejoice in it
and delight in your opportunities.

God is anxiously waiting
for the chance to answer your prayers
and fulfill your dreams,
just as He always has.
But He can't if you don't pray,
and He can't if you don't dream.
In short,
He can't if you don't believe."

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
"Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast", CES Fireside, Sept. 2004

thoughtful thursday: as bright as your faith

i was reminded of this sermon by pres. thomas s. monson this week, and keep coming back to it. i hope you will feel cheered by the brightness of faith.

thoughtful thursday: beyond the reach

via here

trust

So, I have trust issues. While I've made great headway on this over the years, I still have more work to do. The other day I was with a friend, who kept teasing that he was going to throw me in the water, and this made me nervous. I knew he was teasing, but there was this big part of me that kept thinking he really would do it.


I really wanted to trust him. So, when he finally looked at me, and said that he wouldn't throw me in the water, I deliberately made the choice to believe him. I said to him, "Alright, I trust you," and believed it. Then I started to laugh--I laughed so hard, my knees went weak and I thought I was going to have an accident. I was letting go of being distrustful and latching onto the truth, and laughing because it felt so good to feel that pure trust. It was a good moment.


I've discovered that often trust is an intentional decision. Sometimes trust is organic and natural with no questions asked. Other times, it must be earned or decided. It's a fine line between fine line trusting too much and being deceived and disappointed, and not trusting enough and being closed to forming a connection or loving fully. Dr. Frank Crane, a Presbyterian minister, captured this dilemma perfectly when he wrote, "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."


Trusting someone means being vulnerable, which means being open to disappointment and hurt when the trust is broken. It also means being open to happiness and joy, when the trust is deepened. It can also mean being open to love. 


As for me, I choose love.

to err is human

Recently, I talked with a friend who was beating himself up over something really stupid that he had done.  It wasn't anything immoral or criminal.  It was one of those universal momentary lapses in judgement, where something inappropriate was said,  that we have all had at one point in our lives. However, because it involved another person, and perception is reality, it had farther reaching effects than he ever anticipated. Obviously, there is more to the story, but this is enough to get the general idea.

As we talked, he told me that he couldn't let it go, because to do so felt like he was letting himself off the hook and not taking responsibility for what he had done. In fact he had done everything he could to make amends for what he had done. He owned up to and immediately recognized his mistake, apologized, and received and complied with the immediate consequences.

Now he has to live with the longer term consequences of his actions and the fact that the person involved will be affected by those consequences as well. It was a painful conversation to have with him, because he really feels bad and wants to take the brunt of the consequences so the other person is unaffected. He is also a person who doesn't have too much faith in himself and his accomplishments. He tends to beat himself up over his lack of accomplishments and his mistakes. He rarely recognizes the good things in himself. And this incident is  re-enforcing his lack of trust in himself.

As we talked, it became clear to me that he really did need to let this go and move on. I told him:  You are bigger than this incident. The sum total of who you are as a person is much bigger than this one incident. You need to remember that you are human and imperfect; therefore, you make mistakes. You need to recognize, not just, your error, but also the lessons learned and then move forward, letting this go but holding onto the lessons. I'm not saying you won't remember this and you won't feel bad about the consequences, but you cannot let this one incident define who you are. Learn from this, let it go, and move onto become better.

My friend listened and then said: You know this is easier for people who believe in God. People who believe in God seem to have an easier time moving past things like this.

My friend is agnostic, so I can't have the same conversation with him that I would have with most of my friends about giving it to God, letting him take care of it, and asking for and receiving God's forgiveness. I did think it was illuminating that he was the one bringing God into the conversation when I had made no mention of him in what I told him previously.

My friend started to go on to give more reasons why he couldn't let this go, when I impatiently interrupted: With or without God in your life, you need to move on from this and, yes, forgive yourself. You will hold yourself back if you hold onto this and let it define you. For you this isn't about faith in God, this is about your faith in yourself, your trust in yourself. This is about you taking responsibility, which you have done, and accepting the consequences, which you are doing. This is about being man enough to say: I made a mistake. I will learn the needed lessons here and move forward. I will remember to be better in similar situations. This is about you learning to accept and forgive yourself.

The phone was silent. As I waited for him to respond I had this thought: I need to take my own advice.

We continued our conversation, but that thought stayed with me. And I thought how fortunate I was to know that God lives, hears my prayers, knows my heart and has faith in me.

I don't know if any of what I said helped my friend, but I know it helped me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about our conversation. I hope my friend can find the way to move forward from this and allow himself to let it go.

what's in store

I wrote this post yesterday and scheduled it for posting the next morning. I then found two more posts I wrote several months along the same theme, that I never shared. There's a theme here that I really like.

I wrote this May 2011.

sometimes i have trouble seeing the road, having an idea of upcoming experiences, or anticipating the way ahead. i get a little impatient when i am this way and i want to see what's going to happen, read the last page before i get to the end of the book. i have to remind myself that this isn't how life is. i don't always get to see the end before i get there.


more and more lately, i've been receiving road signs regarding upcoming experiences in my life. it's exciting and terrifying at the same time. and strangely, because i have an idea of the ending, i find myself able to be patient and trust. even though i have a million more questions that i want to ask, i find myself compelled to just wait.


the hardest part is removing obstacles that will hold me back from what awaits, maintaining the faith that, if i can let go of what i have right now, what is in store is even better than anticipated.


i once had to choose between buying a plane ticket home to see my boyfriend and family, or paying my tithing. i chose to pay my tithing and as i did, i was filled with the certainty that everything i wanted would be given to me. i didn't get a plane ticket home, but i did get surprised by my boyfriend flying in for the holidays. i spent ten days with a man i cared about and had a glorious time, and it was so much better than what i had planned or even dreamed.


i feel like i'm in a similar situation, choosing between two good things, but one is better. one shows god i'm serious about him and what i truly want in my life. it's all about where my heart is and how i want my life to be. sometimes i feel like i've been preparing for this moment my entire life and all i have to do is let go and let god.


here's to letting go with faith.

40 days to transformation

I've always liked the idea of observing Lent. The idea that it's symbolic of the forty days and nights that Christ spent in the wilderness fasting, praying and talking with his Father before he began his three year ministry. The idea of abstaining from worldly things in the days and weeks leading up to Easter, the celebration of Christ's return to the living from the dead and his ultimate sacrifice.

Lent is not about deprivation for the sake of deprivation, but about greater spiritual engagement, more holiness and a deeper connection with God and Christ. It's about self examination and removing obstacles. As I learned more, I realized Lent is about preparing for a transformation. After all Easter is the holiday of the ultimate transformation and Christ is the transformer.

While Lent is not a religious tradition that grew up with, I've become familiar with it over the years and have enjoyed talking with friends about what they decide to set aside during this time. One year a friend of mine said she was giving up all white foods, like yogurt, milk, vanilla ice cream, shortbread cookies, bread, pasta, potatoes, sugar and white chocolate. When I pointed out that it also included cauliflower, white beans, turnips, onions and egg whites, she laughed and said she hadn't thought of that. One friend gave up his Crackberry for Lent, and boy was that hard for him. Another gave up television. Others have given up chocolate, sugar, internet and even their car except in emergencies. And others have devoted volunteer time to causes in which they believe.

After much thought about this observance I decided to try it out this year. I am going to try this Paleo diet that a friend keeps recommending which recommends no dairy or grains. I'm giving myself two days to cheat, one is my birthday and another is a friend's wedding, and I will be eating cake on those days. I figure I can do anything for 40 (38) days and giving up grains (bread, pasta and cookies) and dairy (milk, yogurt, ice cream and my favorite cheese) seems pretty small in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I'll give up TV too....

Here's to transformation!

I think this poster from the Church of England perfectly captures the essence of Lent.

image here

priorities - martha and mary

I've been thinking and reading a lot about Martha and Mary from the New Testament this week. Most of us are familiar with the story from Luke, where Christ and some of his disciples come the house of Martha.

Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her. ~Luke 10:38-42

So, here is Martha the good host, accepting her Lord into her home and working hard to make sure that both he and his company are comfortable. And here is Mary, sitting at the foot of her Lord, soaking up the gospel treasures he is teaching, and, more than likely, bucking against the Jewish traditions of that time regarding a woman's place when men are being taught by a rabbi.

In another part of the story about these two sisters, we learn that their brother Lazarus has died. Word reaches Jesus and he waits two days before going to see them. Martha runs to meet Jesus as he enters the town of Bethany and her sister Mary stays, sitting, in the house.  Martha's earlier concerns about worldly cares do reflect on her faith at all when she tells Jesus, "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother would not have died" (John 11:20), nor when she testifies to Him, "Yea, Lord: I believe that thou art the Christ, the Son of God..." (John 11:27).

Martha had developed her faith to the point where she knew, without doubt, that Jesus was indeed the Son of God, and that whatsoever thing he would ask of God it would be given him (John 11:22), and that if he would ask God to save her brother from death then it would be done. She was obviously able to balance the worldly and the spiritual cares. I believe that it was through her faith, along with the faith of many others there that day, that Jesus was able to ask God to loose the bands death and release Lazarus from the grave, and it was done.

Both Martha and Mary are doing good things and many lessons can be pulled from the story of these sisters.  The one I keep thinking about is balance, taking care of the needful things of both the world and the spiritual. I need to do things like clean my bathroom, cook dinner, keep up with admin requirements for my reserve unit and just veg in front of the TV at times. I also need to spend time studying my scriptures, meditating, praying and serving others. Both are good and needful things, but often I find it hard to balance both.

I get caught up in my worldly cares and sometimes--okay, a lot of times--forget about my spiritual cares until the last minutes in the day. I feel as though I have the internal equivalent of Martha and Mary going on. I know I'm not the only one who does, because I hear many others express the same concerns in church or during my conversations with them. It helps to know I'm not alone in this.

I am learning how to make it all work. Each day I have to decide, if the dirty bathroom is the priority or sitting and reading my scriptures. If getting caught up on work or sitting for an hour in quiet meditation and placing myself in His presence will be the priority. It's the choices I make that show where my priorities are. Sometimes, the priority has to be the dirty bathroom or getting caught up on work. Sometimes, it's getting to spend time with Him. I know this, but I still struggle with it.

I thought for sure that by now I would have this figured out. Ha! There is so much I'm still figuring out. I do love that even Martha, whose faith in Jesus Christ made it possible for God's will to be manifest through her brother, struggled with this balance. I mean, wouldn't you stop everything to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to him teach? I think Martha was somehow able to see the bigger picture.  She knew that sometimes we do have to take care of those around us and meet our worldly obligations. Yet she still found time to have the necessary spiritual experiences which enabled her faith to grow. I know I can too.

And now, the rest of the story according to me:  I am willing to bet that, later, once the company was all gone, Mary stood with her sister, Martha, at the kitchen sink while they washed the dishes and cleaned up the meal, and shared the things she had learned at the feet of her Lord. After all, that's what any good sister would do.

awake at 3 am... again

Sometimes waking up at 3 am and then going back to bed three hours later is a good thing. It's very quiet with only the occasional sound of air moving as a car drives past. This quietness gives me space to breathe, and just be quiet myself. It's very quiet all the way deep into my soul, and although I'm feeling a little stressed in the head, I have the biggest smile on my face right now. I'm ready to crawl back into bed and sleep for a few more hours. I know I'll wake up when I'm ready.


I read this: Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence and felt peace come in and recharge my soul. I'm ready.


Here are a few of the gems:

""...Therefore, let not your hearts faint. … Mine angels shall go up before you, and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land.” What goodly land? Well, your goodly land. Your promised land. Your new Jerusalem. Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey. Your future. Your dreams. Your destiny. I believe that in our own individual ways, God takes us to the grove or the mountain or the temple and there shows us the wonder of what His plan is for us."

In speaking about the gift of personal revelation from God:

...the Lord has said, “I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.” I love the combination there of both mind and heart. God will teach us in a reasonable way and in a revelatory way—mind and heart combined—by the Holy Ghost. “Now, behold,” He continues, “this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground.” Doctrine and Covenants 8:2-3

That same spirit of revelation that prompted Moses to part the Red Sea, enabling the escape of the children of Israel from Pharaoh's army, yes that same spirit, is what God sends to us today when we ask him for his help. Pretty amazing to stop and think about for a minute. We are so loved by our Father in Heaven.

“Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.” Hebrews 10:35-36

Good stuff. Thanks to my good friend Angela in NZ for sending me the link to this sermon. Just one of the many reasons why I love you.

photo

ya gotta have faith

If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. -Matthew 17:20


...yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words. Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me. -Alma 32:27-28

I was reading this devotional address on faith. It helped me remember my aspects of my own faith, and in whom my faith is placed. 

photo 1

photo 2

arms wide open

I was so struck by this conversation about the Power of Living Vulnerably. It brought the following images to mind:

Outside the box is an uncertainty about the path ahead. It's just a little scary to put one foot in front of the other and move forward into that moment of darkness before seeing the light again. At first it's all black, but after a bit there's a soft glow illuminating the hand in front of your face as you gingerly move forward feeling for and protecting yourself from any obstacles ahead. Soon your hand drops down to the side and swings back and forth with arms as you begin to move confidently forward into the light, forward on the path.

Sometimes the path is a wide expanse, a yellow brick road paving the way to Oz, and the walk is easy, comfortable and enjoyable. Sure, "There are lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" but it's okay. There is room for dancing and singing on this road. Room for adventure. Room to throw your arms open wide, toss your head back and twirl for no reason whatsoever. Room to skip freely, propelling yourself forward, feet barely touching the ground for the joy of it. Arms open wide to invite in the joy, the love, the light, the living.

Other times it's a narrow precipice with a sharp drop off both sides into endlessness. There is no dancing here, no room to move freely. Instead your feet move gingerly forward, feeling for a toe hold. Your arms long to be clutched protectively around your heart, but instead are held out as an aid to help you keep balance. In the next instant your arms are flailing wildly as you struggle to say upright and keep the balance. The light seems so dim, it barely illuminates what's there and you simply can't keep your hand in front of your face, you're so busy fighting to keep balance. And with your arms open wide you feel more vulnerable than ever, unwittingly inviting in the hope, the strength, the struggle, and the peace, the balance.

Sometimes you fall barely catching yourself with one finger, scrambling to get back on that path, desperate to find sure footing, chest heaving and burning at the effort of getting up again.

Other times you fall with a satisfying splat right into the middle of the patch of green grasses and bright flowers in the middle of of the path. Resting for a moment under trees of coolness and light. Enjoying the beauty that is there in that place where you stop to rest.

Oh, the life you have on that path. The unexpected corners. The breathtaking views at the top. A sunrise-new beginning. A sunset-closing out. The rockiness, the jumble, the upside-down-ness of the path. It's just part of the journey. And that path you're on is your own no matter how wide or narrow the way. And the best part, you are never alone on that path.

Especially when you fall, arms flailing wildly, outstretched, hoping for something, someone to stop the fall, and He does. He enters into your open arms, and sometimes almost imperceptibly wraps his own arms around you, calming the fall, enveloping your heart. He waits patiently until you can feel him and know He was always there. The One who caught you by the finger and lifted you back up. The One who cushions the blow and sometimes even takes it. He is the one always there with you, recognized or not.

So here's what I realized about the power of living vulnerably for me: Living with my arms wide open, opening myself up means that I am open to God directing my life and showing me the path. Being vulnerable means being humble. Being imperfect. Not knowing the answers. Not being able to see the end. Falling in love again with no guarantees. And really are there ever any guarantees where love is concerned? Living vulnerably is about taking risks in life and love, and having faith that broken hearts are healed, God will always make up the difference, and love is always worth the risk.

photo