hopeful

I was sorting through some writing and found this piece, that I wrote in July 2010. And then I found out I was selected for Chief.




i feel hopeful.


they say that when you stop looking, that's when it happens.  they say that when you least expect it, opportunity knocks.  they say that it's best to keep your expectations low because then you're not disappointed.  they say a lot of things, don't they?


i refuse to let go of hope or expectations.  i refuse to stop looking or sit around waiting.  in fact, i think i do a pretty good job of not sitting around waiting.  i don't look up expecting mr. opportunity to walk through the door or around the corner.  i live my life, moving forward, enjoying each moment and simply living.


i'm totally and fully aware that my life my own and i like to put it in the lord's hands.  he's in charge and he knows best.  he knows who i am, and who and what i need in my life to be the best me.  i'm content to leave myself in his hands, and live.  besides, i've discovered that when i let him be in charge, that's when i'm the happiest.


but, i can't help feeling hopeful, like right around the bend there's something waiting for me. i don't know what, but there's something there ahead in my road.  i can feel it.  it's just out of grasp and elusive, but it's there.


it's a bit scary.  the last time i felt this way, i ended up deploying to afghanistan.  i don't really want to do that again, but i'm open to whatever the next step is.  it's not easy to be open, but i don't want to put limits on this.  i want to be as open as i can be, so that i recognize the unexpected and can move with it, see how it feels and figure out my part and place in it.


i'm excited to see what it is, how this act will end.  it's a bit breathtaking to have such endless possibilities lying in wait.  and no matter how i try to squelch the feeling, i still feel hopeful.


they might think i'm silly, but i just can't shake this feeling.  i like feeling hopeful.  it makes me smile.  it makes life fun, fresh and full of sparkle and faith.


and so i feel alive.
forward moving.
keen.
hopeful.

in the end hope

I've put off writing about this, because it hurts so much. But this evening decided that part of letting go, is putting the hurt out there, so here goes.

I have a lump where my heart is. It aches and twinges with each new thing I discover about the betrayal I've just been through. Someone I trusted and turned to for advice a while ago, felt the information needed to be shared with others, whose intentions were not so good, at least that how it seems from my perspective. The personal backlash has been pretty horrific. Never in a million years could I have foreseen this mess.

I now keenly feel the loss of two friends. One whom I don't trust anymore.  Another who doesn't trust me, and I know how this person feels, not being able to trust me, their friend. The other person's betrayal included another person, as betrayals often do. I also feel as though I've betrayed myself and my second friend, because I chickened out and didn't tell what had happened right away. By the time I did tell, it didn't matter and there was nothing I could do. I had my reasons for fearing and not telling, but as it turns out they don't matter. The thing that matters most is that I let fear rule me. Where as if I had just let go of my pride and told the story, then maybe... just maybe...

And my heart just aches. My eyes fill with tears so easily and without warning that I can't even stop them before it happens. I don't know what to do to regain the trust a friend once had in me. It's a difficult place to be, not knowing how to even start to rebuild, if it's possible or even wanted. For now, I suppose, time is the antidote.

What have I learned from this? Once again, to choose carefully who I will trust. To really listen to my heart and follow it. Fear is crippling and hurtful and so is pride. To tell the story as soon as it happens so that fear can't build up. To hope and pray for forgiveness and opportunities to rebuild trust. Betrayal hurts. To swallow my pride and reach out in hope. That life and people just plain stink sometimes.

Overall, I am hopeful, even though I hurt and my heart aches. I am beginning to feel the start of healing and it's a good thing.

walking towards

Walking away isn't easy. And the urge to stop and take one last look at what is being left behind is natural, but at times can cloud the already made decision, causing enough hesitation or doubt to make that break a bit sticky and a little less clean.

The gospel of Luke urges us to remember "Remember Lot's wife" (Luke 17:32).  She looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:25). Interesting how God was doing everything he could to save Lot and his family and had even saved them, and yet Lot's wife, in the middle of being saved, looked back.

I do this so often, look back instead of looking forward. Instead of focusing on what and who the prize is, I tend to focus on the path I've already trod. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, inspired by the devotional reading a friend shared with me the other morning:

"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" (Phillipians 3:13-14).

Wow! What focus and strength there is in "...[r]eaching forth unto those things which are before". How I wish I could be better at this.

I remember the few times in my life when I have shut the door and walked away not looking back, entirely sure that I made the right decision. And I remember too, that those times didn't feel so much like walking away, as much as they felt like walking towards. Walking towards God's true plan for me. Walking towards the person I truly am and want to be. Walking towards the light and the warmth of God's love for me. Walking towards my mission in life. Walking towards the truest happiness I could hope for. Walking towards the best and the better things in life.

I can still remember those moments clarity of thought and purpose, the correctness of the direction I was chose. At times it was like walking from dark into light; into a place where suddenly I could breathe, or where everything in me lined up agreement and there was no tension. Sometimes this lasted for a while and other times it was fleeting, just long enough to get me turned around walking towards Him. These are good places to be and good reminders.

Looking back isn't all bad; after all the unexamined life isn't worth living. But spending too much time in examination can halt one's progress forward. There is a time for self examination and looking back. There is also a time for setting the past aside, putting it God's hands to reconcile or clean up, and moving forward reaching forth unto things before.

And so I'm here, trying to walk towards--towards light, towards Him. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I am doing it. The point isn't to do it perfectly, but just to walk towards.

the perfect mom?

today i went to the chiropractor to get some work done on my lower back.  i really like dr. h, she's funny, takes the time to chat and doesn't force a manipulation if it doesn't happen naturally.

we spent a few minutes chatting about why my shoulders are so tense and why my lower back was acting up again.  she asked me how many hours a day i was spending in front of the computer--way too many.  then she asked if i was lifting children frequently.  when i said no, she looked surprised and asked if i had children.  i said no, and then she said that i look like i am the perfect mom.  hmmm, not sure what that means, but i'll take it.

here's hoping.

romance shmomance

not much has changed since I wrote this.

Originally written in 22 January 2007

I just read a friends blog about failed relationships and I'm thinking, whoa, you really have lost hope. My mom says I'm a hopeless romantic, but I say I'm a hopeful romantic.

Hopeful, because I've had it in my hands. I've been in love. I've been swept off my feet by the hopeless romantic. I've been seduced by love and the promise of happily ever after, into giving my heart to an ultimately undeserving hopeless romantic. I've loved, hated, talked, cried, shouted, cried some more and had my heart broken.

Love sucks, yet it's the most wonderful gift I've ever had. I want it again, and I have complete faith that because it found me once, it will find me again.

Someone once said to me as we ended our relationship that in our case the reward wasn't worth the risk. He was right. He was not worth the risk.

Love, however, is worth the risk... completely worth the risk. Even the risk of breaking my heart, and crushing my hope once again. It is so worth it.

So, here I am. Ready to leap...

a friendship

image from: wickimedia.org

once upon a time, there were a girl and a boy who were friends.

they were not just friends, they were the best of friends.  he treated her with so much respect and love, that she couldn't help but love him right back.  he pushed her in ways she had never been pushed to think, feel or do, and she found she liked the challenge.  he accepted and loved her no matter what, even when she told him her dirtiest, darkest secrets and things got all dark and twisty, which didn't really happen all that much.

things happened.  life happened.  they slowly grew apart as their lives took different directions.  they didn't talk or have any contact for several years.  she still worried for him, prayed for him, and wished a beautiful life for him.  she let him go, because letting go opens doors, clears the path and makes room for good things to happen.

every now and then, when she would fall in love with someone, she sometimes wished she could tell him.  tell him she was in love, happy, scared, excited and just talk things out with him.  when it didn't work, she wished he was there to hold her, make her laugh after crying, tell her it was okay and that the risks of love really are worth it in the end.  she missed him during those times and so many others.

years passed.  he found her again one day, and when they talked it was as though no time had passed.  the friendship was still there, the comfort, the easiness, the not-having-to-work-to-make-it-work, the love.  it was all there, just like they had left it.

only now, they were grown-up with experiences that helped them not be afraid.  they could talk about their fears, hopes and the possibilities.  it was scary, but the thought of not having these conversations was more scary.  and in the end after the conversations, they found it wasn't scary at all, but more like being wrapped and hugged in an old, comfortable blanket, softened by age and familiar. 

they were more accepting of each other.  things that once seemed so important just fell away and the really important stuff rose to the surface and stuck.  their frienship wasn't perfect, in fact little things sometimes drove them crazy, but not for long.  soon they would be laughing again.

their friendship was a rock for both of them. it was a measure of all other friendships and relationships.  both knew it was something rare, wonderful, strong and not to be taken for granted. they knew their friendship was meant to last no matter what happened between them and for that they loved each other all the more.

the end...

that feeling of something coming

I wrote the following post just over two years ago.  Little did I know that about six months later I would be heading to Afghanistan and giving up a year of my life to that endeavour.  Something amazing was coming, I just had no idea what it was going to be. I love that from time to time God lets me in on His plan.  Well, at least He gives me a heads up.  I've been feeling that way again.  It's making me a little nervous, but excited.

Here's another of the posts I saved from MySpace, written on 16 March 2007:

When you least expect it something happens and all of a sudden you're willing to take some risks. That's where I'm at right now. I'm ready to take some risks. I'm ready to make a move and make some major changes in my life.

I have this sense of anticipation that something really amazing is coming my way and I need to be ready, 'cause it's gonna be life changing. It's exciting and I like it. But..., I've had this feeling before and it was a total let down. Sometimes I think God has a sense of humor and just likes to play with me. But then I think it's just life and my undying optimism that good things are always gonna come my way.

A couple of months ago I was robbed at gunpoint less than a block away from my home. It scared the hell out of me! That was a wake up call, and it really shook me up for a couple of days. I still get nervous when people walk behind me on the street. This made me sit up and start thinking about what I wanted in my life and how much power I have.

I decided that I refused to give that man anymore power in my life, and that I would move forward. Essentially that is what risk does, it forces us to move forward. Risk compels a decision that has been put off for fear of something not working or getting hurt.

Wow! I can't think of anything else to write right now. It's past midnight and I'm a little delirious for lack of sleep. I'm getting old. Sleep is now a major necessity in my life. Ciao for now.

image from: watsonswildlife.com