Showing posts with label strengthen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strengthen. Show all posts

Friday, December 31, 2010

it's 4 am on new year's eve

as i write this it's 4 am on new year's eve. the ball hasn't dropped yet, that's about 20 hours away.

i woke up from a dream of a monsoon rain in an open house with many windows in the midst of a lushly green jungle, a shadowed man who loved me and laughing, joyous children. it was delicious. the rain was amazing and clean. the love from that man felt warm and real, and the laughter of the those children dancing in the rain on the verandah was heart filling. at some point in the dream, i was going around the house locking doors in obscure places, because there was sa need to protect and hold onto the fleeting feelings of deliciouness and love. and then i woke up.

hmmmmmm. interesting dream to have at approximately 4 am on new year's eve morning.

so now i'm awake an hour or so before my alarm was due to go off , so that i could get up on time to meet my running group and end the old year doing what i said was going to in one of my resolutions for 2010. as i look back on this past year and remember my goals, i am quite pleased with some things, and looking for ways to improve in the ways i didn't do so well. if you'll recall with me, strengthen was my resolution this year. lots and lots of growing pains this year. amazingly, i do feel stronger in so many ways: taller, experienced, happy, tired and pleased. what a ride this year was.

goodbye 2010. hello 2011.

i promise to
be open to adventures in rain, love, family and life
keep on getting stronger
be more childlike
move more
do new stuff (even, and especially, if it's scary)
plan and carry out the first ever boyer family reunion (it's written down now, so. it. will. happen)
connect my family
spend more time being quiet - scripture study, prayer and meditation
turn off the tv more
finish those unfinished projects
make room for Him and him
save money and travel

here's to a good, somewhat painful at times, amazing year.
and here's hoping this next one is even better.



Tuesday, September 21, 2010

lessons from the past two months

I've been thinking about what to share with you all here on my blog about my experiences for the past two months as I've trained to become a Navy Chief (E7).  It's hard to even put into words and tell my family what happened and what I've learned.  I'm not sure I can do it in the written word.

I have 35 new brothers and sisters, all of whom I love dearly and with whom I've worked and trained over the past two months.  We were 36 distinct individuals with our own ideas about how to lead and get the job done, and when it came right down to it we pulled together and became one team.  It was amazing to watch as we put ourselves aside, turned to each other and truly became a team.

One of the biggest lessons I learned is that I need to lead my Sailors with my heart.  In the the end, the point of all this training was learning to let go and listen to my heart.  That was the hardest part, because that meant letting go of all my pride and stripping my heart down to the barest bones of its existence so that what was most important could come through. 

The Chiefs who trained us knew what it would take for us to get this point.  It included physical training sessions, butt chewing sessions, team building exercises and assignments, crawling through the mud for two days in the woods, doing loads of pushups and flutter kicks on command and when we make mistakes, "sleeping" on the hard ground, singing lots of songs together, just plain being together for two long months, and sacrificing our summer for this training.

When all was said and done, I was covered from head to toe in orange and white mud, my hair was encrusted with twigs, grass, feathers and critters, my E-6 uniform was torn apart, and my heart was broken and put back together.

A good friend used to say all time, "Let go and let God."  And in the end, this is how I finally found my heart and let it come through.

                                        ******************************************
A friend asked me what the changes in my responsibilities are and the Chief's Creed is the best way to describe those changes.

The Chief's Creed


"During the course of this day, you have been caused to suffer indignities, to experience humiliations. This you have accomplished with rare good grace and therefore, we now believe it fitting to explain to you why this was done. There was no intent, no desire, to demean. Pointless as it may have seemed to you, there was a valid, time-honored reason behind every single deed, behind each pointed barb.

"By experience, by performance and by testing, you have been this day advanced to CHIEF PETTY OFFICER. You have one more hurdle to overcome. In the United States Navy and only in the United States Navy, E-7 carries unique responsibilities. No other armed force throughout the world carries the responsibilities nor grants privileges to its enlisted comparable to the privileges and responsibilities you are now bound to observe and expected to fulfill.

"Your entire way of life has now been changed. More will be expected of you, more will be demanded of you. Not because you are an E-7, but because you are now a CHIEF PETTY OFFICER. You have not merely been promoted one pay grade--you have joined an exclusive fraternity, and as in all fraternities, you have a responsibility to your brothers, even as they have a responsibility to you.

"Always bear in mind that no other armed force has rate or rank equivalent to that of the United States Navy. Granted that all armed forces have two classes of service: enlisted and commissioned, however, the United States Navy has the distinction of having four i.e., Enlisted, CHIEF PETTY OFFICER, Commissioned Warrant Officer and Commissioned Officer. This is why we in the United States Navy may maintain with pride our feelings of superiority once we have attained the position of E-7.

"These privileges, these responsibilities do not appear in print, they have no official standing, they cannot be referred to by name, number nor file. They exist because for over 200 years the CHIEFS before you have freely accepted responsibility beyond call of printed assignment, their actions and their performance, demanded the respect of their seniors as well as their juniors.

"It is now required that you be a fountain of wisdom, the ambassador of good will, the authority in personnel relations as well as their technical application. "Ask the Chief" is a household word in and out of the Navy. You are now the “CHIEF”.

"The exalted-position you have now received, and I use the word “exalted” advisedly, exists because of the attitude, the performance of the Chiefs before you. It shall exist only so long as you and your compatriots maintain these standards.

"So this is why you were caused to experience these things. You were subjected to humiliations to prove to you that humility is a good, a great, a necessary change which cannot mar you—which in fact, strengthens you, and in your future as a CHIEF PETTY OFFICER, you will be caused to suffer indignities, to experience humiliations far beyond those imposed upon you today. Bear them with the dignity, and with the same good grace, which you bore these today.

"It is our intention that you will never forget this day. It is our intention to test you--to try you--to accept you. Your performance today has assured us that you will wear your hat with aplomb brothers in arms before you.

"I take a deep, sincere pleasure in clasping your hand and acceptin you into our midst."


Thursday, September 9, 2010

a light at the end

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and the glow is a bit brighter.  It's been an illuminating journey and I can't wait to share it with you.

I will say that I now have the most amazing biceps ever.  I am learning so much.  I have new friends that will be life long friends.  I am very, very tired.  I have a new faith in miracles, God's amazing love and knowledge that I am not alone.  The light is always right here with you.  Just open your heart and you will see and feel it.



Tuesday, June 8, 2010

a more peaceful ending

today was a vaguely unsettling day.

a feeling of something not quite right somewhere in the world persisted at the back of my mind for most of the day.  i didn't like this, not one bit, nor did i know the cause of this unsettling feeling.  i tried various things to shake it: a prayer, a primary song, telling a trusted friend at work about it, listening to someone's problem, doing a lot of work, researching the answer to a work-related problem, more prayer and reading the scriptures online for a few minutes.

in the end all of the above must have worked because the feeling diminished, it's not quite as present now as it was earlier today.  as always i am amazed at how quickly peace comes when i turn to the lord.  he calmed my troubled mind today so that i could focus on the tasks at hand.  and that dear friends is a beautiful and wondrous thing.

while today wasn't a big storm in the scheme of things, i can certainly relate to this thought:

All of us have seen some sudden storms in our lives. A few of them, though temporary like [those] on the Sea of Galilee, can be violent and frightening and potentially destructive. ...we have had sudden squalls arise which have made us ask one way or another, “Master, carest thou not that we perish?” And one way or another we always hear in the stillness after the storm, “Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?”


None of us would like to think we have no faith, but I suppose the Lord’s gentle rebuke here is largely deserved. This great Jehovah, in whom we say we trust and whose name we have taken upon us, is he who said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.” (Gen. 1:6.) And he is also the one who said, “Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear.” (Gen. 1:9.) Furthermore, it was he who parted the Red Sea, allowing the Israelites to pass through on dry ground. (See Ex. 14:21–22.) Certainly it should be no surprise that he could command a few elements acting up on the Sea of Galilee. And our faith should remind us that he can calm the troubled waters of our lives.  -Howard W. Hunter, “‘Master, the Tempest Is Raging’,” Ensign, Nov 1984

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

eavesdropping

I admit I am an eavesdropper.

Sometimes, I just can't help it.  I'll be sitting somewhere minding my own business and over hear someone's conversation.  I don't intend to listen, but sometimes I do because it's way more interesting than what I'm doing.

For instance, while lying on the beach two weeks ago in Florida I overheard the following conversation between two women several yards away.  They were discussing education, and I believe one of them was an elementary school teacher.  One of her colleagues does a 15 minute exercise DVD each day in her classroom with her students, because as she put it, "I don't have time to do my workout, so I just incorporated into my class time.  That way I get my workout in, and my students get some physical activity as well."

How brilliant is that!  What a great teacher and what an imaginative way to get a workout in.  I don't feel guilty at all for eavesdropping on that conversation.

This WWII poster sums up the importance of a good workout,
'cause we all want to get hot, see.

Monday, May 24, 2010

winning the battle - week 11

I didn't step on the scale this morning.

Cravings.  And feeling like I can't get enough food.  Yep, it's that time of the month.  Seriously, I can't get enough food.  For instance, today at lunch I eat a great salad with tuna and crackers, and an hour later I'm starving again.  A snack of an apple with peanut butter and an hour later I'm starving again.  Yogurt and an hour later I'm starving again.  And this has been going on for the past three days.  Ya gotta love the hormones.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!

The good news is I can actually run again.  I'm taking it easy to see how I do, but it feels good.

So goes the battle...

via diabeticlivingonline.com with tips on how to control your cravings
applicable to everyone

Monday, May 17, 2010

winning the battle - week 10

1 pound lost this week.  I lost that pound I gained last week.

I think I've turned a corner in my relationship with my body.  I'm much more comfortable listening to it and hearing what I really need in order to be my strongest and healthiest.  Lately, I've been eating what I want, when I want. 

What sounds good to me lately are salad greens with a combination of the following: shredded carrots, red pepper, cherry tomatoes, avocado, English cucumber, snap peas, baby squash, spinach, swiss chard, green beans, etc.  And when I eat this stuff it's as though my body sighs in contentment.  Even though I spent a week eating chocolate when I needed "drugs" for my back pain (see last week), I also ate lots of green stuff and I think that was the trick to being able to stay on track with my weight loss.  It also made it easy to make wise choices while I was traveling last week, so I could stay on track with my goal of becoming stronger.

Good food is easy to eat and it's even better when it's the healthy, fresh food that my body craves.

P.S. Chocolate still is gooood.

Monday, May 3, 2010

winning the battle - week 8

1 more pound down.  10 pounds altogether!  i'm almost halfway there.

this week's topic is motivation.  what motivates me?  'tis a good question.

i've thought a lot about this lately.  why do i really want to lose the weight?  what is it that will keep me from returning to my old habits?  what will i do to maintain my new weight and my new habits?  i don't have all the answers yet, but i'm getting there.

one of the things that excites me about losing the weight is the thought of not having the little bulge around the waistband of my jeans.  i remember when i returned home from afghanistan, my jeans fit awesome and my curvy silhouette was smooth in all the right places.  i want that body back again.  that's one motivation.

my core has always been my weakest link.  i want to be strong in my core.  i think that's one of the keys to feeling stronger period.  that's another motivation.

i have two dresses in my closet that i want to wear.  one is red and looks amazing on.  it will only look better later.  the other dress is a cute little, deep purple, cotton, peasant number that i found when i started the diet and fell in love with.  more motivation.

my sister and i have been talking about running a marathon together for several years now.  i want to be strong enough to do this, so me losing weight and changing my habits are steps towards running a marathon with my sister.  another motivation.

most important, i want to do this.  i want to feel better, stronger, healthier.  i want to be my best self.  that's the true motivation.

image here

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

i love, love, love being a girl

i love being a girl.

there is power in being a girl.
power in recognizing and owning my emotions. 
power in
compassion,
kindness,
empowering,
standing up,
being true,
forgving,
loving,
who i am.

power to change the world.
girl power is awesome.



thanks to teabelly for sharing this.  i had to share it too.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

amazed


i am newly amazed today.

amazed at the totally unexpected and yet absolutely clear way in which god watches over and protects me.  a huge obstacle that i've recently been trying to overcome hasn't been removed, but rather explained.  i understand why it's there and can now accept it.

the whole process has been quite humbling.  but i am amazed, humbled, grateful for the insight, and confident that god really does have it under control and that all is going according to plan.  i can move forward.

today was just another reminder to
let go and let god
to quote an old friend. 
love and miss ya andy p.!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

i'm also amazed by gift of life today.
up until today, i had 2 nieces and 8 nephews. 
niece number 3 was born today on her mother's birthday.
we've been waiting so long for another little girl to join our family.
welcome little lilly, and happy birthday to mom, nickolee.





images of lillies from: commons.wikimedia.org

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

winning the battle - week two

i lost 4 pounds this week.

i'm definitely not starving myself, so i was a bit shocked yesterday morning when i got on the scale and saw the change in the numbers.  i'm eating between 1200 to 1300 calories a day, and concentrating on eating the right number of servings of fruits and vegetables.

my zealousness in dieting last until sunday when i made four dozen cupcakes for work.  they were the promised prize for a contest we had at work.  of course, i had to test the cupcakes and the new frosting recipe i tried out as well.  i ended up eating three of those little buggers, and they were good too.

i also went running twice last week.  this is huge, because last year whenever i tried to run, my calves were in so much pain i just couldn't keep going.  this year, it's just the normal aches and pains.  i'm loving running again, and can't wait to get back in the groove.


not on the diet:
oh, and if you're looking for the best frosting recipe ever, then try this one here at pioneerwoman.com.  it's seriously good.  i even made my own version of this frosting by adding 3 tablespoons of hershey's special dark cacao and a teaspoon of cinnamon.  yummy!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

looking for love in the wrong place


I am ending my subscription to eHarmony.  After a year of receiving matches, I am done, fed up and just a little disheartened with the whole concept.

You've seen the ads promising a true match.  The promise of actual compatibility on so many levels, 29 nine levels to be exact, that you will actually feel as though you've actually known each other for so long before you actually meet.  And then follows the video montage of actual couples, showing just how actual and true their compatibility is and how grateful they are to have actually met through eHarmony which showed them in the first place just how compatible they actually are. 

Actually, I think I'll pass.

The first six months were free, the next six were not.  Paying money to find love just feels ridiculous to me and too much like selling myself short.  But I decided to give it a chance on a supposedly grown up dating web site.  I was open to the whole experience and hoping to meet men outside my circle of friends. 

Then I started receiving matches, most of whom lived in California, Utah, Colorado, Iowa, Idaho, Washington, Montana, Wyoming and Arizona, a few of others lived in New York and Georgia, at least two from Alaska and less than a handful from Virginia or Maryland.  They all live so far away and I'm not a fan of long distance dating relationships.

The majority of potential matches never attempted communication or responded to my attempts for communication.  Those that did respond closed the match, by stating: "The physical distance between is too great."  Yep, I agree with that.  I don't want intense bursts of romance every two or three months when our travel budgets will allow.  I want every weekend between now and then, with a few extra days in between thrown in for good measure.

My favorite part of the eHarmony experience was when I received messages telling me to lower my standards to increase the likelihood of receiving even more matches.  I do not drink alcohol, and said so when asked in the compatilibility quiz.  When asked if alcohol consumption was something I would allow in my own partner I said no.  I'm not asking for the impossible or incredible, or even for something I'm not willining to do myself.  However, eHarmony kept insisting that I would receive more matches if I would change this requirement!  Uh, no I won't.  Thank you very much.

So, after a total of 177 matches, 141 of which either myself or they closed stating the physical distance between us was actually to great, 31 of which received some form or other of communication from myself or them, and 3 where no communication whatsoever was exchanged, I'm done.  I'm done.
eHarmony will be a non-event in my past.  I refuse to sell myself short in the quest for love.  I will be open to whomever comes way and doesn't set off the internal alarms.  I will continue to live my life and live it well.  I will laugh, cry, spend time with friends, spend time alone, be present, go for runs and walks, pray, cook, read, make music, dance on ocassion, enjoy the moment, travel, learn and hope.

I will be true to myself.

image from here

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

winning the battle - week one

week one has come and gone of the battle. 

thankfully, even though i was on vacation and didn't always stay true to the diet, i maintained and didn't gain any weight.  i worked out every day.  i took my food plan with me, but i was on vacation.

i planned to eat some real food.  south carolina is known for its barbecue and we found a really good place, we also found a really good place for mexican and went out for birthday dessert one night.  so, yeah, i didn't stay true to the diet while on vacation, but i'm okay with that.

i'm feeling pretty good about the first official week of the battle.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

today

today is a day when i can choose
who i want to be.
if i want to change or be the same,
full of experience or regret,
strong, happy, content or grateful.
today is full of possibility.

today i can stop and think, go for a walk.
today i can see the horizon ahead and where i want to be,
and turn around and look back on my path
to see where i am from.

today i am grateful for...
friends
who love without judgement,
inspire, support
laugh, cry, hug
are there
push me to be better
hang out
have fun
talk and listen.

family
who make my life complete
teach me about faith and strength
being true
staying the course
frustrate the heck out of me
inspire me to the end
share
dream
create joy and laughter
love.

god
who loves me and i him.
lets me feel him in my life
who forgives and encourages
has a plan
answers prayers
changes my heart and mind
renews my spirit
gives me time
says no and yes
gives me adventure
has patience with me.

today i can
stop and listen
move and do
be quiet and plan
take action
sing and dance
read, laugh
smile, jump
sleep, read
watch, listen
write, share
think, choose
be content
do whatever i want
whenever i want.

today is my birth day,
and so
i celebrate my life
my choices
my being
my friends and family, my god.
me.

today is the first day of the rest of my life.
today is a gift.


image from: ebibleteacher.com

Thursday, March 4, 2010

winning the battle

i'm losing the battle with myself right now.

i've been struggling to find the motivation to lose weight and get my butt in gear for three months, and it's just not happening.  i lost a lot of weight when i was deployed and i've now gained it all back, plus a little more.  not good, not good at all.

so, i've now invested in a well known diet plan to get myself started.  i refuse to let money go to waste, so i'm hoping this will be the jump start i need to start the weight loss and change my eating habits.

my work out plan is off to a good start.  i'm logging miles for a trip to the mississippi river in a competition at work to see who can get there first.  it's only 900 miles, so it feels doable.  right?

fingers crossed.

i'm so going to win this battle!

image from: nedarc.org

Sunday, February 21, 2010

more on making change

This is one of the posts I rescued from the cancellation of my MySpace account.  I'm not sure what inspired me to write this, but I seem to recall watching the movie Stranger Than Fiction, around the time I wrote this.  I believe I had also been reading too much Shakespeare, Jane Austen and Jasper Fforde, thus accounting for the use of big words and the somewhat uppity tone of the writing.

Written at some point during 2007:

It may be the unexpected moment that in a flash of inspiration forces a change of perspective, a change of character or a change of direction. However, the moment, the inspiration, the catalyst for change can only happen when searching for something or if not searching, at least being open to newness. Moments of wanting something different, something new in life can often be the maker of change, but wanting is not enough. Wanting is passive, inactive, sedentary. Personal transformation is not any of this nor does it happen while sitting around.

It usually does not happen overnight or in a moment. That is not to say that certain catastrophic events don't have the capacity to alter life's course in an instant, but more often it's a deep seated desire for something more, something better. However, in human beings this kind of change of character or change of heart, does not typically occur in an instant. Profound personal transformation requires sustained effort, not sporadic half attempts. The momentum of effort nurtures the ability of change in character and heart. It is effort, hard, not easy, not simple, not halfway, that brings change about. It's a series of instances of actions, assertiveness and passion. A person must go out on a limb, and take risks.

What is the moment of inspiration, of desire for something different that spurs the such a metamorphisis? It is unique to each individual, who will recognize when it comes to knock. In spite of the difficulty, the possibility of amelioration often is motivation enough for the person who wants it.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

more on growing up

I’m an independent soul. I often insist on doing things all by myself, and I’ve been this way ever since I was a child. I remember how I felt riding the bus home on my first day of school. This was the first time in my life I had done anything away from my mom and I felt so grown up as I stepped off the bus to walk up the hill with no adult supervision. This was it, I was growing up.



Much to my disappointment my younger brother Raymond was waiting for me when I walked off the bus. My mom had sent him down to meet me because he really missed me. He and I are a year apart, so he probably wanted to feel grown up as well. My mom must have thought that I would be excited to see my brother.


I was so mad. This wasn't turning out at all how I had planned. I wanted to walk up the hill by myself and not with my little brother. I made him walk up the hill ahead of me. According to my mom and the vague memories I have of the incident, I think I might have even thrown some rocks at him. My poor mom thought she was doing something really great and fun for my first day at school, but instead she had a crying child and one very angry kindergartener on her hands. What a brat I was!


I am laughing as I write this, because I can just see myself asserting my five year old sense of independence. At times I feel that not too much has changed.  I don’t throw rocks at my brothers any more, but I do try to assert my independence. I still find myself having a hard time asking for help or even accepting it when it’s offered. I often think I have to walk up the hill all by myself.


I am continually learning that I can’t and don’t need do it all myself. I have to keep remembering that just like my mom God doesn’t want me to walk up the hill all by myself. He sends help, and all I have to do it is let Him in so I can see the help He sends.  When I do I feel stronger, my heart a little softer and a little less bratty, and most of all I don’t feel alone.  And this I think is the point for all of us--He doesn't want us to feel alone, and He knows we are stronger when there is more than one of us in the mix.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

growing up


image from: i.village.com


I have a list of things I want to do, and slowly I've begun to cross items off of the list.  One small thing I wanted to was to enter a writing a contest.  I wasn't so concerned with winning, but I did want to write something I felt was worthy of entering into some sort of contest.

I chose to enter the Real Simple Second Annual Life Lessons Contest.  I wrote an essay answering the question: When did you realize that you had become a grown-up?  While I didn't answer this question as directly as the editors might wish, I did have fun writing and thinking about the moments when I have felt grown up.  Congratulations to Andrea Decker of Arizona for winning the competition.

I also am trying to do things that scare me.  Sharing some of the experiences in this essay in a public forum scares me.  It's okay to be scared sometimes.  Being scared shouldn't hold me back from doing things I want to do, unless it's doing something really stupid or dangerous.  And sharing this essay isn't really stupid or dangerous.  So, here goes...

For your reading enjoyment, here is my non-winning essay:

I’m not done growing up and I freely admit it. I still struggle to learn the lessons that life has to teach me, but over the years I’ve learned to follow my heart. I’ve also learned I can’t be passive and still be a grown up. Looking back on some key turning points in my life, I can see that the times I actually did feel grown up, were because I trusted and followed my heart.

I remember one time when I was sixteen years old, sitting on the stairs with my father and him telling me, “The only reason I’m still here is because of you kids.” I remember not knowing what to say or feel. “Then leave, we’d be better off without you,” I said without thinking. I looked up at him, waiting for him to say something, and thought, “Only a grown up girl should hear a thing like this from her father.” And when he said nothing, my heart hardened into steel. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep the steel there, but I thought I would try it for a while. I felt a little grown up that day.

Many months later in the local corner store, I stood listening to some boys I knew talk about my dad, the small town cop. He had caught them making mischief a few days earlier and turned them over to their parents for discipline. They were saying how mad their parents were and how stupid my dad was, and were calling him some pretty bad names. I felt my heart harden again and thought, “That’s it. I no longer care what these people think. I’m not going to live my life worrying about what they think.” I stepped around the aisle and said to them, “That’s my dad you’re talking about. He was just doing his job. Maybe, if you hadn’t done those things, you wouldn’t be in trouble now and your parents wouldn’t be mad at you.” As I walked away not caring what they said in return, my heart softened just a bit and I felt grown up that day.

When I was almost nineteen and training for the Navy I met a very cute, young Marine. He invited me to dance and the next thing I knew I was being kissed for the very first time. I floated home. The next day at lunch my roommate came up to me and furiously asked, “What were you doing kissing my boyfriend at the club last night?” I was stunned and crashed back down to earth with a broken heart. I was so disappointed. This wasn’t at all how I had pictured my first kiss. Later when he found me at dinner and tried to act like nothing had happened, I stopped him. “You can’t act like nothing happened. You don’t play fair. You’re a liar and a thief. You stole a moment from me that I can never get back,” I told him. As I stood up for myself, I felt my heart come back together a little. I guess it wasn’t steel after all. I felt grown up that day.

A couple of years later, I was a missionary for my church in Chile. The postman was delivering mail to a woman down the street and when he saw that we were missionaries, he began yelling obscenities at us for no reason. My heart stopped. How do you respond to something like that? Without thinking I opened my mouth and started singing a hymn I had recently memorized in Spanish. He stopped yelling and actually listened. My heart lightened as I walked away. I hadn’t responded in anger, but had still stood up for my beliefs. I had followed my heart, and I felt so tall and grown up that day.

A few years later, I boarded a plane to England on orders from the Navy. I would finally see Big Ben and the Peter Pan statue in Hyde Park, walk down Bond and Oxford Streets, visit the Lake District and Penzance, and meet a boy with an English accent. I was so full of dreams. I did meet a boy with an accent and we fell in love. He asked me to marry him and I said yes, ignoring the voice inside my heart telling me to say no. I threw myself headlong into the relationship, determined to make it work between us no matter the cost. I kept ignoring all the little things that didn’t add up, including the voice telling me, “He is not the one for you.” After months of waiting for him to do his part on the visa paperwork, I listened to my heart. I did love him (as much I could then), but I could finally see that it really wasn’t right. I gathered my courage and told him no, I couldn’t marry him. I watched his face crumple and his heart break--and my own heart broke too. It was hard to believe I could cause that much pain in another person. It hurt so much to keep saying no as he begged me to reconsider, told me he’d change and that he loved me. I finally showed him to the door and closed it softly; stood for a moment, then turned and walked away without looking back, knowing in my heart I had finally done the right thing. I felt very grown up that day.

After living in England for almost three years, I returned home to attend school and actually moved back in with my parents. My youngest brother, who was seventeen years old, was also living there and for the first time we had a chance to become friends. I learned so much talking with him about life and watching him interact with my parents and his friends. He stood up for others, befriended those without friends, spoke with kindness to everyone and told my mom not to sweat the small stuff. He even set me up on a date with one of his teachers—the highest compliment I’ve ever received from one of my brothers. Then one awful day he was killed in a skiing accident. It seemed like the world had gone dark or that it was a cruel joke, but he really was gone. I was so sad and angry, yet I knew that somehow I had to decide what was true, then hold onto it and put my heart back together. I’m so thankful I listened to my heart and didn’t let my pride prevent me from moving back in with parents and living with him for the last sixteen months of his life. My heart was broken again, but I could still find joy in the darkness. I feel very grown up when I look back on this.

Three years later I moved to Washington, DC with a grown up job, an almost grown up apartment and grown up friends. Walking home late one night I heard a noise behind me and turned to see a man following me. He pulled a gun from his coat, pointed it at my stomach and demanded my money, which of course was in my purse along with my house keys and so many other important things. I did exactly as he asked, gave him my purse, then turned in the direction he indicated and walked away frightened. I was mugged at gun point one block from my home! Later I lay awake in my upstairs neighbor’s spare bedroom thinking how lucky I was and wondering how I was going to force myself to walk home alone the next evening. In my heart, I knew if I stayed inside then I would be giving that man more power in my life. I refused then and there to give him more power. Two nights later, I forced myself out the door and walked alone in the early evening shadows to a friend’s house and the next night alone to another friend’s house. I felt so scared, so strong and so grown up.

Making sense of the good, joyful things in life along with the sad, hurtful things make me who I am. Standing up for myself and the things I care about most, has helped me to trust my heart for the answers. To have fallen in love and been loved back, even though in the end I chose to let it go, taught me love was possible and still gives me hope. Choosing to walk alone in the dark showed me how much power I can have over my fears. So now, when I make choices about what is right for me to say, do or believe, I try to follow the voice deep in my heart, no matter how scary or painful. These are the times I’m truly living my own life, being true to myself, and that is when I feel grown up.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

strengthen

strengthen is my theme for 2010.

this has been in my thoughts for several days as i have considered who i really want to become and how i can work towards this during this new year. one of my biggest frustrations with myself has been feeling weak and uncertain. my hopes are that by focusing on strengthening myself this year i can feel stronger and more certain about myself.  but most of all i want to feel His presence more fully in my life.


i will strengthen...

 - my relationship with God
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. (Isaiah 41:10)  

- others
Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. (Isaiah 35:3)

 - myself physically
Yea, all things which come of the earth, ...are made for the benefit and the use of man, ...to strengthen the body and to enliven the soul.  (D&C 59:18-19)

 - my financial well-being
That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man.  (Ephesians 3:16)

God is my strength and i rely on him for so much.  i want to be a better steward of the blessings he gives me.  i want to truly feel strengthened in him.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Philipians 4:13)