love is all you need?

Yay, it's Valentine's Day! (aka Singles Awareness Day)

the evilest Disney prince ever

I freely admit that I'm a Valentine's Day cynic. I don't particularly enjoy the holiday and have never had the sort of Valentine seen in movies or books or dreams. But I do get Valentines from my family and friends that just make me smile and remember that I am loved. And as a person who gets more than a little depressed during the winter, this is a good and much needed thing for me. 

 

i love t-rex. i couldn't find a source for this.

One year when I was particularly down and cynical about the whole "love thang". I had an epiphany about this day. Valentine's Day is like Thanksgiving Day!

We should express and show our gratitude every day. Seems a little silly to have a day dedicated to expressing gratitude when you think about it... And yet we have this holiday every fall where we gather with family and friends, eat ourselves to death, watch football, sleep off turkey comas, (and in some cases get an early start on our Christmas shopping) all in the name of giving thanks, and celebrating gratitude. 

Can  you see where I'm going with this yet?

via here

A part of me agrees with the naysayers of Valentine's Day. We should be telling our loved ones that we do indeed love them every day, and we shouldn't need a holiday to remind us to do that. We also shouldn't need a holiday to remind us to be grateful.

And so here we are with this "silly" holiday that celebrates love. And you know what? It's okay to celebrate love. I received Valentine roses from my dad (Papa Bear) this week along with a note that said, "A Daughter Bear for a Valentine! What more could I ask for? Love, Dad". And I sat and cried, because I knew he did love me--I knew it before he sent me roses. But I really appreciated the extra effort he made to let me know that he did. He also called to make sure I received the flowers, and told me that he wanted to make sure that I got a Valentine this year. Sometimes it's the little things that can make all the difference. 

via Gayana

I think we need to celebrate love, because heaven knows that we all need it. Stop for a minute and look around. I bet there are people around you who need a little extra love. 

via bewareofimages

i once threw a knife at my brother... true story

My brother and I didn't always get along well. He knew which buttons to push that would send me over the edge, and it wasn't pretty. One time I lost it, and threw a table knife at him. It went whizzing right by him and stuck into the wall behind him. Yeah, I could have taken his eye out, or given him a really cool scar with a not so cool story about how his older sister got really angry and threw a knife at him. I was glad I missed… Once I calmed down.

I remember my dad talking to me about controlling my feelings and choosing not to let others push my buttons. He had a temper too--surprise, surprise--and like me he had to learn how to not let it get the better of him. He told me something that stuck with me, "Just let it roll off you, like water rolls off a duck." A variation on the adage of growing a thicker skin.

I remember thinking this a lot during some training I went through a couple of years ago. You know the song, “I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away…” Instead I was singing in my head, “I’m like a duck, it rolls right off my back…” over and over again through some of the toughest moments, and it worked. Sometimes this technique doesn't work so well, because some things are truly hurtful.

I have learned that I have a choice to react without any thought or to thoughtfully act. Basically, I can employ my brain and make a choice about how I’m going to feel about people’s action, and then what I’m going to do about it. Sometimes action is required, and other times it’s best to just let it roll right off your back.

Over the years, I have hurt other people's feelings, and had my own feelings hurt. We can be so very thoughtless at times. Often we are completely unaware that what we've done or said is hurtful. Sometimes a clear choice is made to be absolutely mean in words and actions.

My reactions, in both cases, aren't always the greatest. Yes, I do get mad, and hurt. But for the most part I've learned to pause, take a breath and think about what I will do. I usually start by asking myself this question, "How would I like to be treated in this situation?" And the answer usually is, "Nicely, and with love." This has helped me get past my own hurt and angry feelings, and respond in a way that I hope is open, humble, and loving, even when I am standing up for myself against someone who is persistently thoughtless and mean towards me.

I also remind myself that we are all works in progress, and not one of us is finished yet. We are all scared at one point or another, and fear can move us to do some pretty mean things, when what we really need is a heavy dose of love. Coming from a place of love is so much more effective and liberating.

There are times in my life when I really have to work hard on this. These are periods of of being vulnerable, learning, and growth, and I can only hope that I’m getting better. It’s been hard to sit down and talk things out, especially when someone doesn’t want to talk it through to help me understand how I hurt them, or figure out a way to make things better.

It takes a lot of courage to talk to someone who hurt you about what how you feel. The times I was able to talk things through, fully communicating the hurts and hopes for the relationship, were scary, but served to bring us closer together. These moments are powerful real-life examples to me of how remaining open to conversation, even when I’m afraid of being hurt, hurting someone further, or struggling to find the right words, can truly make a difference.

with that sweet moon language

Admit something:
Everyone you see, you say to them,
     "Love me."
Of course you do not do this out loud;
     Otherwise,
Someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this,
This great pull in us to connect.
Why not become one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying
With that sweet moon
     Language
What every other eye in this world
     Is dying to
     Hear.

--Hafez


Beautiful. I don't remember where I first read this, but it stopped me in my tracks and I've been thinking about it ever since. I recently found it again, and just had to share. I've got to get a book of his poetry.

balance

sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living balanced life. ~ketut

photo

true story

He said: "When I saw you for the first time, I felt the warmth of sunshine all the way through me. You broke through my cool."

True story.

hookchristineup.com

Last weekend I got a phone call from brother R2 who lives in Iowa with his brilliant horticulturist wife, precociously cute son, gorgeous flower baby daughter and rambunctious dog Hoot. "Hey, Christine, I found your husband!" he exclaimed.


He does this every so often. Calls to tell me found my husband and then goes onto tell me about some single guy he met in the singles ward he was a leader in, some guy he saw at the hardware store, or some guy... Well, you get the picture. And usually, this some guy has some sort of characteristic which makes him totally unsuitable to be my boy with potential, such as a complete lack of personal hygiene or a severe lack of social graces. Brother R2 has a wicked sense of humor. Quite frankly I leave these conversations more glad than ever that I am single and that brother R2 is not required to arrange my marriage.


So, naturally his statement was met with great enthusiasm on my part, "Oh really, what's wrong with this one?"


"Well, N and I want to have another baby and found a way to pay for it."


"Okay, and this applies to you finding my husband how?" I curiously asked. This was a new approach and I wanted to see where this would go.


"There's this guy in San Francisco who will $10,000 to the person who introduces him to his wife..."


"Huh, what?!?!"


"...And I'm going to send him your information."


Now, I love my nieces and nephews even more than I love my siblings. In a split second I decided that I'm willing to do pretty much anything to ensure I get even more nieces and nephews, and if that means having R2 send my information to a random guy in San Francisco who is willing to pay for the right introduction, then okay. I mean, I have nothing whatsoever to lose and only a niece or nephew to gain. "Sure, why not. Send him the link to my FB page and blog. I'll help you out, but I get a cut of the $10,000 if things work out. Does this guy have a website?"


Brother R2 sent me the link to this guy's website and I checked it out. He seems pretty normal, all except for whole offering $10,000 for the right introduction. I am a little worried about his love of monkeys and shrinkage. But he does love Scrabble and music, so there's hope, right? After all, I'm a perfectly normal woman who hasn't found the right man yet, so maybe he's a perfectly normal man as well. I immediately forget about the whole thing, so ridiculous.


So, Monday afternoon brother R2 calls again. "Hey, you might receive a phone call this evening."


"Oh, really. From whom?" Once again my unenthusiastic sarcasm coming through.


"Well, I sent him your information and he emailed back and asked for your number. You can probably expect a phone from him this evening."


"What?!?! You mean you really did send him my info?!?!?" Wow, this is going to be so fun to write about for the blog, I thought. "So, what did he say in the email?"


"Well, he liked your photos. He thought it was impressive that you were in the Navy. He also asked if you like Tequila."


"Oh, and what did you tell him?"


"To start you out on something lighter and work up to it," he laughed. Gotta love, brother R2. But I did actually laugh at that one.


Then he said, "Well, I know it's a little early, but April Fool's!"


"You're a goober head, R2. You know that right?"


"Yeah."


"So, what kept you from sending my information?"


"Christine, I never really seriously considered sending it."


"Oh, come on R2. You know you want that $10,000 and you want another kid. You must have seriously considered doing it for a second..."


So, I'm not sure whether to be disappointed or relieved. I know brother R2 loves me and all, but seriously his finding-me-a-husband skills leave much to be desired.


Happy April Fool's Day!! I hope you laugh a lot today.

photo from this fantastic web site 

featuring road signs and other art

about love. check it out.

i laughed

last night, i laughed the deep belly laugh of pure joy and release. 

i laughed at
the wonder of how much love there is in this world
the ridiculousness of my somewhat flawed view of self
the conversation with myself as i completed these realizations.

i laughed because
i was laughing
i heard my friend laughing
i let go of false beliefs about myself and replaced them with truths.

it was good to laugh.
and accept that i am truly, fundamentally without flaws. 
here's a secret: you are too.
this was reason enough to laugh with pure joy and wonder.

i felt somewhat like this:  cocooned in pure love and joy.

image via commons.wikimedia.org

romance shmomance

not much has changed since I wrote this.

Originally written in 22 January 2007

I just read a friends blog about failed relationships and I'm thinking, whoa, you really have lost hope. My mom says I'm a hopeless romantic, but I say I'm a hopeful romantic.

Hopeful, because I've had it in my hands. I've been in love. I've been swept off my feet by the hopeless romantic. I've been seduced by love and the promise of happily ever after, into giving my heart to an ultimately undeserving hopeless romantic. I've loved, hated, talked, cried, shouted, cried some more and had my heart broken.

Love sucks, yet it's the most wonderful gift I've ever had. I want it again, and I have complete faith that because it found me once, it will find me again.

Someone once said to me as we ended our relationship that in our case the reward wasn't worth the risk. He was right. He was not worth the risk.

Love, however, is worth the risk... completely worth the risk. Even the risk of breaking my heart, and crushing my hope once again. It is so worth it.

So, here I am. Ready to leap...

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings


inspired by meg who writes letters to the man she loves but hasn't yet met.

nasa image at commons.wikimedia.org 

hope

"Eventually you'll remember and it will only hurt a little."

'Tis true. Time does heal all wounds. 
Perspective is a good thing.

At first I missed him so much it took my breath away.
My heart gasped for air.
My gut clenched waiting for safety.
Panic at the thought of being alone.
My inner rhythmn gone.

Then I would remember why.
Why I chose to walk forward.
Why the hurt of separation was better than all the hurt of staying.
All the ways I couldn't be me with him.

Years later it doesn't hurt as much.
But sometimes, when I sit alone
and remember it does hurt, just a little.
Not because I walked away from what could have been,
but rather at memories of my self betrayal.
How for a little while I lost me
and ignored the small voice in my heart.
That voice that hasn't led me wrong yet.

So, now when I remember it only hurts a little.
I remember too the lessons I learned.
The hard way.
And then hope.

Hope comes softly, brightly and stays.

from: commons.wikimedia.org

a friendship

image from: wickimedia.org

once upon a time, there were a girl and a boy who were friends.

they were not just friends, they were the best of friends.  he treated her with so much respect and love, that she couldn't help but love him right back.  he pushed her in ways she had never been pushed to think, feel or do, and she found she liked the challenge.  he accepted and loved her no matter what, even when she told him her dirtiest, darkest secrets and things got all dark and twisty, which didn't really happen all that much.

things happened.  life happened.  they slowly grew apart as their lives took different directions.  they didn't talk or have any contact for several years.  she still worried for him, prayed for him, and wished a beautiful life for him.  she let him go, because letting go opens doors, clears the path and makes room for good things to happen.

every now and then, when she would fall in love with someone, she sometimes wished she could tell him.  tell him she was in love, happy, scared, excited and just talk things out with him.  when it didn't work, she wished he was there to hold her, make her laugh after crying, tell her it was okay and that the risks of love really are worth it in the end.  she missed him during those times and so many others.

years passed.  he found her again one day, and when they talked it was as though no time had passed.  the friendship was still there, the comfort, the easiness, the not-having-to-work-to-make-it-work, the love.  it was all there, just like they had left it.

only now, they were grown-up with experiences that helped them not be afraid.  they could talk about their fears, hopes and the possibilities.  it was scary, but the thought of not having these conversations was more scary.  and in the end after the conversations, they found it wasn't scary at all, but more like being wrapped and hugged in an old, comfortable blanket, softened by age and familiar. 

they were more accepting of each other.  things that once seemed so important just fell away and the really important stuff rose to the surface and stuck.  their frienship wasn't perfect, in fact little things sometimes drove them crazy, but not for long.  soon they would be laughing again.

their friendship was a rock for both of them. it was a measure of all other friendships and relationships.  both knew it was something rare, wonderful, strong and not to be taken for granted. they knew their friendship was meant to last no matter what happened between them and for that they loved each other all the more.

the end...

a thought

image from: wickimedia.org

And we are put on earth a little space

That we may learn to bear the beams of love.

--William Blake

looking for love in the wrong place

I am ending my subscription to eHarmony.  After a year of receiving matches, I am done, fed up and just a little disheartened with the whole concept.

You've seen the ads promising a true match.  The promise of actual compatibility on so many levels, 29 nine levels to be exact, that you will actually feel as though you've actually known each other for so long before you actually meet.  And then follows the video montage of actual couples, showing just how actual and true their compatibility is and how grateful they are to have actually met through eHarmony which showed them in the first place just how compatible they actually are. 

Actually, I think I'll pass.

The first six months were free, the next six were not.  Paying money to find love just feels ridiculous to me and too much like selling myself short.  But I decided to give it a chance on a supposedly grown up dating web site.  I was open to the whole experience and hoping to meet men outside my circle of friends. 

Then I started receiving matches, most of whom lived in California, Utah, Colorado, Iowa, Idaho, Washington, Montana, Wyoming and Arizona, a few of others lived in New York and Georgia, at least two from Alaska and less than a handful from Virginia or Maryland.  They all live so far away and I'm not a fan of long distance dating relationships.

The majority of potential matches never attempted communication or responded to my attempts for communication.  Those that did respond closed the match, by stating: "The physical distance between is too great."  Yep, I agree with that.  I don't want intense bursts of romance every two or three months when our travel budgets will allow.  I want every weekend between now and then, with a few extra days in between thrown in for good measure.

My favorite part of the eHarmony experience was when I received messages telling me to lower my standards to increase the likelihood of receiving even more matches.  I do not drink alcohol, and said so when asked in the compatilibility quiz.  When asked if alcohol consumption was something I would allow in my own partner I said no.  I'm not asking for the impossible or incredible, or even for something I'm not willining to do myself.  However, eHarmony kept insisting that I would receive more matches if I would change this requirement!  Uh, no I won't.  Thank you very much.

So, after a total of 177 matches, 141 of which either myself or they closed stating the physical distance between us was actually to great, 31 of which received some form or other of communication from myself or them, and 3 where no communication whatsoever was exchanged, I'm done.  I'm done.
eHarmony will be a non-event in my past.  I refuse to sell myself short in the quest for love.  I will be open to whomever comes way and doesn't set off the internal alarms.  I will continue to live my life and live it well.  I will laugh, cry, spend time with friends, spend time alone, be present, go for runs and walks, pray, cook, read, make music, dance on ocassion, enjoy the moment, travel, learn and hope.

I will be true to myself.

image from here

i love my family

happy valentine's day family.



i like it best when we are all together as well. 

hope when you need it comes in small packages

a friend found this story and shared it on her blog.

i wanted to share it as well.

consider it an early valentine, because it's a love story. 

i read it, wept, fell in love and felt hope.

http://enjoyingthesmallthings.blogspot.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

happy valentine's day

much love and a hug from me to you.

image from: hayleybailey.wordpress.com

looking back

This week I cancelled my MySpace account.  I rarely check it, and when I do I have e-mails from random, unknown men, whose awkardly worded attempts at flirting with a perfect stranger were vaguely disquieting and uncomfortable.  So, I cancelled my account, however I did keep my blog posts and thought they would be fun to share here. 

The post below was written two years ago.  I remember this day.  I had been on a blind date with a perfectly nice, handsome, interesting man to whom I felt absolutely no attraction.  I had also just received word minutes before I met him that one of my dearest friends had died.

If there was ever a woman that I would call my second mom, it was this dear friend.  She braided my hair when I was younger, painted my face for Halloween, always loved me no matter what and made my birthday dinner and cake for me on my sixteenth birthday when my parents were out of town.  She let me come and play her piano any time.  When I would go home on leave, my time wasn't complete if I didn't stop by to say hello and play the grand piano.  I still miss her when I go home; Paradise just isn't the same.  I love you, Norene.

I was waiting for the blind date on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant when my sister called to tell me the news.  Just as she told me I saw the perfectly, nice, handsome, interesting man walking towards, and I burst into tears.  I was still crying when he came up to me and waited, patient and concerned, until I finished my conversation.  He was very kind and concerned at my obvious distress.  I was impressed that he hadn't been scared off by the unexplained emotional distress of a female stranger in the first few moments of our meeting.  I pulled myself together and went on the blind date.

I'm surprised at the entry below, because it doesn't capture what I was truly feeling that day.  I needed to write, but apparently couldn't write what I honestly felt at the time.  Everything I wrote is true, it was a good day in spite of the bad news.  But, I think I would have been much more true to myself if I had written about who I loved that day.

written on 19 January 2007

So, today was a rockin' day spent being a tourist. From the top of the Washington Monument, we looked down and watched Marine 1 fly below us and land at the White House to pick up George. Pretty rockin'! The Botanical Gardens made me feel as though it was summer again for an hour or so. The Library of Congress took me back to Italy for the afternoon as I walked among beautiful mosaics, marble carvings and paintings.

I love DC. It was the first city I visited that exceeded my expectations and it still does every time I go out and play. I love the crazy layout of the streets that gets me lost every time I come up out of the Metro. I love that every evening on the drive home, I see the Capitol with the sunsetting behind it. I love the walk around the Tidal Basin to the Jefferson Memorial and then around to the FDR Memorial when cherries are in blossom. I love that the Metro doesn't always run when it's supposed and makes me late for stuff. I love living five blocks from Eastern Market and the smell of meat in dead of summer (blegh!). I love walking the C&O canal in Georgetown, and finding the Chagall mural in some guy's backyard. I love walking Memorial Bridge over to Arlington, and the quiet that I find there.

Basically, DC is now my home and I'm learning its ins and outs. It's been quite a ride since I moved here and I am so looking forward to more. Woohoo!

photo by me

listening

This weekend I got to sit and listen to a prophet's voice.

In my church we have General Conference each April and October. It's a time when all the members worldwide come together and and listen to the guidance that our prophet, apostles and other general officers of the church have to share with us. This conference is broadcast around the world in over 80 different languages via satellite, television, radio and internet.

I think it's no coincendence that both conference weekends are in months where the seasons are changing. In April the world is renewing itself, coming alive after winter, plants are starting to poke their green leaves and shoots up, the snow is melting and the days are warming up a bit. In October the world is starting to slow down a bit, leaves are changing colors, the harvest is being gathered, the air is crisp and we are getting ready to hunker down for the cold of winter. General Conference is a lovely reminder that we are constantly changing and at different seasons in our own lives.

It's also nice to stop and just listen. I love being able to dedicate an entire weekend to listening to the words of a prophet and apostles. I love the reminders about the things I need to work on, the things I'm doing right and most important of all how much my Heavenly Father loves me.

Sometimes it's easy to forget how much He really does love me and General Conference weekend always helps me feel that way. I hope you can stop and listen. I hope you know that you are loved by Him and that you can feel it.

Happy autumn.

photo: 'girl listening to radio' commons.wickimedia.org

Musings on a love letter

"Dear Christine,

"I got your letter this morning in mail call. I couldn't wait to start reading, but duty called. I read it over lunch. Now I'm down in berthing writing you from my rack. I have to tell you I feel exactly the same. I can't stop thinking about you and last night as I was falling asleep, I imagined your face. Those green eyes and your smile that make me feel loved when you look up at me. I had good dreams with you.

"I told my father about you and he would like to meet you. He says you seem very good for me. I agree. You make me want to be better, which is a new thing for me. Usually, I'm more interested in myself and what I can do for myself. But since I met you I'm more interested in what I can do for you, how I can make you smile and how I can make you proud to know me. It's an interesting feeling.

"Well, gotta run, I have to get back down to the office. We're supposed to run battle drills tonight, and I need to know where my post is, so the YN1 is going to show me what to do. Sometimes, I really hate this boat, but hey it's all part of being in the Navy, which is what we signed up to do. Well, except you did the reserve thing.

"I'll be thinking you again tonight. Thanks for letter. Can't wait to hear from you again. Love always, D" (name omitted to protect the innocent)

Whatever happened to this boy in my life? I'd forgotten all about him, until the weekend I was in Utah packing up my storage unit and going through a box of old papers. I opened the envelope and pulled out his letter and began to read. By the time I was done, I had a big, ol' grin on my face, and I was remembering...

I actually hadn't thought of D for over 15 years. I wonder whatever happened to him. Is he still in the Navy? Is he married, divorced or single still? Does he ever still think of me? I remember he had short blond hair, blue eyes, was quite tall and that's about it. I don't even remember specifics of how we met or even how we kissed. I do remember liking him though, but it took finding his letter to remind me of that.

This was written to me in the fall of 1993 by a boy I'd met at "A" school for the Navy in Meridian, Mississippi. ("A" school is where learn your Navy job.) This was before the advent of email, where you got actual handwritten letters stuffed into an envelope that was touched by the hands of the one who wrote it.

It’s so much more intimate to receive a letter in the mail and hold it in your hands knowing that just a few days ago he was holding it in his hands, folding to fit the envelope, licking the glue to seal it up. Hm, it’s kind of fun to think about that. I also liked the waiting, wondering if I would get a page or two of a letter detailing his activities or his thoughts on one of his favorite subject-me. So much better than an email or text. So much more permanent and lasting.

In 15 years you'll find a love letter, but will you find a love email?

I'm in Love!

His name is Maalim and he’s a baby black rhino. He was abandoned by his herd, because he was born premature and is so small. He is absolutely the cutest, little, ugly thing I’ve ever seen in my life. He was so much fun to watch and I did get to pet him.

More info on Maalim from the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust:

http://www.sheldrickwildlifetrust.org/updates/updates.asp?Rhino=1&ID=190