in the end hope

I've put off writing about this, because it hurts so much. But this evening decided that part of letting go, is putting the hurt out there, so here goes.

I have a lump where my heart is. It aches and twinges with each new thing I discover about the betrayal I've just been through. Someone I trusted and turned to for advice a while ago, felt the information needed to be shared with others, whose intentions were not so good, at least that how it seems from my perspective. The personal backlash has been pretty horrific. Never in a million years could I have foreseen this mess.

I now keenly feel the loss of two friends. One whom I don't trust anymore.  Another who doesn't trust me, and I know how this person feels, not being able to trust me, their friend. The other person's betrayal included another person, as betrayals often do. I also feel as though I've betrayed myself and my second friend, because I chickened out and didn't tell what had happened right away. By the time I did tell, it didn't matter and there was nothing I could do. I had my reasons for fearing and not telling, but as it turns out they don't matter. The thing that matters most is that I let fear rule me. Where as if I had just let go of my pride and told the story, then maybe... just maybe...

And my heart just aches. My eyes fill with tears so easily and without warning that I can't even stop them before it happens. I don't know what to do to regain the trust a friend once had in me. It's a difficult place to be, not knowing how to even start to rebuild, if it's possible or even wanted. For now, I suppose, time is the antidote.

What have I learned from this? Once again, to choose carefully who I will trust. To really listen to my heart and follow it. Fear is crippling and hurtful and so is pride. To tell the story as soon as it happens so that fear can't build up. To hope and pray for forgiveness and opportunities to rebuild trust. Betrayal hurts. To swallow my pride and reach out in hope. That life and people just plain stink sometimes.

Overall, I am hopeful, even though I hurt and my heart aches. I am beginning to feel the start of healing and it's a good thing.