Walking away isn't easy. And the urge to stop and take one last look at what is being left behind is natural, but at times can cloud the already made decision, causing enough hesitation or doubt to make that break a bit sticky and a little less clean.
The gospel of Luke urges us to remember "Remember Lot's wife" (Luke 17:32). She looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:25). Interesting how God was doing everything he could to save Lot and his family and had even saved them, and yet Lot's wife, in the middle of being saved, looked back.
I do this so often, look back instead of looking forward. Instead of focusing on what and who the prize is, I tend to focus on the path I've already trod. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, inspired by the devotional reading a friend shared with me the other morning:
"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" (Phillipians 3:13-14).
Wow! What focus and strength there is in "...[r]eaching forth unto those things which are before". How I wish I could be better at this.
I remember the few times in my life when I have shut the door and walked away not looking back, entirely sure that I made the right decision. And I remember too, that those times didn't feel so much like walking away, as much as they felt like walking towards. Walking towards God's true plan for me. Walking towards the person I truly am and want to be. Walking towards the light and the warmth of God's love for me. Walking towards my mission in life. Walking towards the truest happiness I could hope for. Walking towards the best and the better things in life.
I can still remember those moments clarity of thought and purpose, the correctness of the direction I was chose. At times it was like walking from dark into light; into a place where suddenly I could breathe, or where everything in me lined up agreement and there was no tension. Sometimes this lasted for a while and other times it was fleeting, just long enough to get me turned around walking towards Him. These are good places to be and good reminders.
Looking back isn't all bad; after all the unexamined life isn't worth living. But spending too much time in examination can halt one's progress forward. There is a time for self examination and looking back. There is also a time for setting the past aside, putting it God's hands to reconcile or clean up, and moving forward reaching forth unto things before.
And so I'm here, trying to walk towards--towards light, towards Him. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I am doing it. The point isn't to do it perfectly, but just to walk towards.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
a dream come true?
When two people in my life both have dreams about me with similar themes, I tend to perk up and pay attention.
First, about a month ago, my sister dreamed that I was getting married. It was quite a vivid dream for her, and she remembered lots of details and the conversation that she had with my husband-to-be. She also reminded me that she had dreamed I had broken off my engagement before I called to tell her I had done so. Interestingly enough, at the same time she dreamed I was getting married, I also dreamed quite vividly that I was finally a mother.
Second, a co-worker stopped by my desk this morning with a big smile on his face to tell me he had dreamed of me last night. He dreamed I was getting married. Among other things, he recalled that it was a lush green setting with some kind of natural water landmark prominently featured. What is interesting to me, is that he and I are not particularly close and have not talked previously about personal things at all. Our conversations are infrequent and mainly work related. But as he said, when it's out there in the universe other people can pick up on the vibes.
So, this is me, putting out it there into the universe so that all the vibes can hook up somehow. Good things are coming... And God is the master planner.
First, about a month ago, my sister dreamed that I was getting married. It was quite a vivid dream for her, and she remembered lots of details and the conversation that she had with my husband-to-be. She also reminded me that she had dreamed I had broken off my engagement before I called to tell her I had done so. Interestingly enough, at the same time she dreamed I was getting married, I also dreamed quite vividly that I was finally a mother.
Second, a co-worker stopped by my desk this morning with a big smile on his face to tell me he had dreamed of me last night. He dreamed I was getting married. Among other things, he recalled that it was a lush green setting with some kind of natural water landmark prominently featured. What is interesting to me, is that he and I are not particularly close and have not talked previously about personal things at all. Our conversations are infrequent and mainly work related. But as he said, when it's out there in the universe other people can pick up on the vibes.
So, this is me, putting out it there into the universe so that all the vibes can hook up somehow. Good things are coming... And God is the master planner.
love is...
I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me;
love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person,
love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of,
love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.
~Author unknown
love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person,
love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of,
love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.
~Author unknown
Monday, February 7, 2011
love is...
Love is that condition in which
the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
~Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein
photo here
Saturday, February 5, 2011
the thinking list
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| Untitled, painted 2006 in Paradise, UT by Sean Wallis |
Outside my window right now... Melting snow and rain.
I am listening/watching to... Pixar Short Films on the Family Channel while trying to decide if I'm going out tonight or staying in.
I am wearing... My Navy sweats.
I am so grateful for... The moments lately when I have felt Him take my hand.
I'm pondering... Phillipians 3:13-14
I am reading... Brick Lane by Monica Ali. Totally depressing, but I must know how it ends.
I am thinking... Way too much.
I am creating... A log cabin quilt, a painting for the Valentine and a mess that I've been putting off cleaning up.
I am missing... Home right now. I just want to run away to Paradise for a long weekend with Mom and Dad, the dogs and my sister.
On my iPod... Josh Turner (the sexiest bass voice ever) and Andrea Bocelli (the sexiest tenor ever).
One thing I love about my job right now... I work with so many truly good people.
One thing I love about my living situation right now... My two new fishies, Fiona and Pennie. They actually let me pet them during feed times.
One thing I love about my church right now... How much lighter my heart is each Sunday when I attend church. I feel strengthened and ready to go again.
I am hoping and praying for... A change of heart and deeper understanding about something I'm struggling to understand within myself.
From the kitchen... Baked kale, seriously good stuff.
One of my favorite things... my bed with freshly laundered sheets. It just puts a smile on my face when I crawl in at the end of a long day.
A few plans for the rest of the week... Church, evenings out with friends, family history research, baking for Valentine's Day, morning runs, a good friend flying in for the long weekend, and a possible !!!!18!!! inches of snow on Thursday.....
Friday, February 4, 2011
what i watch - how to train your dragon
It's been years since I found a movie that could watch again and again, and not get bored. "How to Train Your Dragon" is the movie that I have watched three times in the past three weeks. (Yep, I like cartoons.) The imagination, creativity and talent in this movie is absolute genius with total heart. I dreamed of having my own dragon, ever since I read "The Dragonriders of Pern" series as young teenager. And this movie totally fed into that part of me. The part that wants to fly on a dragon's back and have a dragon-sized best friend who could help me with all my inner dragons.
This is a touching movie about being true to yourself, family and friendship, and overcoming loss with help. I highly recommend it.
This is a touching movie about being true to yourself, family and friendship, and overcoming loss with help. I highly recommend it.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
a cold
today is one of those days where i feel my body hitting the wall.
i've been fighting a cold for a week now.
i think the cold is winning...
and because i feel crummy,
everything i feel crummy about in my life is hitting hard today.
talk about hitting a girl when she's down.
here's the plan to get over this cold and find a better attitude:
found a replacement discussion leader for book group tonight. (thanks TS!)
i have on my navy sweats-so warm.
sheets are in the dryer for a nice, clean, warm bed.
i am drinking o.j., heating up chicken soup and toast.
self medicating with good cold medicine and zinc products.
curling up with my heating pad to get warmed up.
a chick flick.
lemon ginger tea with honey.
some deep uninterrupted sleep with ear plugs.
and faith that tomorrow will be better.
oh, and i'm calling in sick for work tomorrow...
...probably.
photo here
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