remembering hilltop star

Remembering Chris today. 

Chris and I with our niece Caitlin and all her barrettes in our hair.

It's so weird to me to think that it's been 10 years since he passed. I went back and looked at some of the things I wrote over the past few years.

a memory - Recounts an experience I had the day before Chris passed. I wrote about it in third person, because it was easier for me to do so. I thought about this experience last night, and remembered that it's one of the last times in my life when I felt truly at peace. It was such a gift.

hilltop star - Here I share the meaning behind my blog's name Hilltop Star, and a song that Chris and I wrote together. 

And here's a photo of The Hilltop Star from my dear Paradise friend Lisa who shares a photo of our star with me every year. I just love that she does this for me. It brings me a little piece of home.

putting the lack thereof in perspective

It feels important to acknowledge this place I'm at right now... This place in my life where it's really hard to see what I do have in comparison to what I don't have. And what I don't have is REALLY BIG, or at any rate it seems that way right now. Lately, I’m often feeling very alone, and very small, and unwanted, and unimportant. And lacking.

Yet, my life is full of...

~People who care about me.

~People about whom I care a great deal.

~Activities that bring me joy.

~Things that make me smile.

~Quiet and loud.

~Friends that make me giggle.

~Books, movies, music and plays. Escapes into new worlds and characters. Sparks of ideas on how I want my life to be.

~Projects that keep my hands and mind busy creating.

~Clean clothes, sheets, blankets, dishes, floors, socks, towels, water.

~Good food cooked by me and others--honestly food is one of the simple pleasures in life.

~My vacuum cleaner--I know it's funny to be thankful for a vacuum cleaner but it sure does make my life easier.

~Hot water, dishwasher, washer and dryer, ice cream maker, crock pot, stove and oven.

~Warm coats. Hats. Scarves. Gloves.

~My little brother's pack back.

~Mistakes. Repentance. Forgiveness.

~Love.

~Crying tears of sadness and joy. Lots of this lately.

~A friend who says, "Hey, when the zombie apocalypse happens, you're coming over to my house. My back door is always open for you. You know that right?"

~People who enjoy Doctor Who at least as much I do, if not more, and who want to enjoy it with me.

~Nerdiness--so much nerdiness. Yes, I'm mainly talking about Star Trek fun here.

~Cookies and ice cream. Really, really good burgers and fries and milkshakes. Pho.

~Phone calls from family and friends. And the conversations with young nephews who really know how to sum up my life.

~Lots and lots of laughter.

~Opportunities to take care of others and be taken care of myself.

~People who say thank you. Who stop and listen, and make me talk in spite of myself.

~People who choose me, and let me choose them back.

~People who make really hard choices to do and be better, and inspire me to do the same.

~People who say "Man that really, really stinks." And don't try to figure it out for me. Sometimes it's important to just acknowledge the stink and let it be.

~Once a week phone calls from my dad.

~Getting right it wrong, a lot. And getting it right a lot too.

~A Father who has a plan and so much love. And right now my tiny ounce of faith in that plan and His love.

~Conversations with people who are in my boat, or who have moved onto another boat, but have been in my boat. This is so helpful.

~Saying goodbye and hello. Letting go.

~So much more than I listed here.

See, that's a long list of goodness that I have in my life! But the lack pushes its dark little self up to the top of the pile, and is the only thing that catches my attention even though it's surrounded by so much light. The lack feels and looks really big, and I'm having trouble focusing in on the light and there is a lot of light. I know that.

I guess my point in writing this today is to just say out loud that I’m struggling a bit with being single, and it’s also in the face of an upcoming milestone birthday. I honestly never imagined I would come this far as a single woman. I thought that by now I would be sharing my life with my man at my side and our family.  Sherry Dew calls it living the unexpected life, and my life is certainly unexpected too.

I suppose I never did choose the expected route, especially as an LDS woman, so it really should be no surprise that I’m here single. Right? I just never thought of my choices as excluding the possibility of marriage and family. Maybe they have and maybe they haven’t, I'm still figuring that one out. All I know is that I try to do what I feel is right, and to be as Christ-like and loving as I can. Yes, I know in the end these two things are the most important, but at times it’s little to no comfort as I contemplate my life and what’s next for me.

All I know for sure (most days) is I’m where I felt He wants me. He said be patient a bit longer, and I’m trying--sometimes not succeeding at all. But right now it’s really hard. And that’s okay to acknowledge.

contagiously happy

Earlier this week, some friends and I were sharing our Myers-Briggs personality type indicator results. (If you're curious about your type indicator, you can take a quick test here.) The conversation then turned to the fan-made charts of each personality type matching a character in a popular book or movie series, like Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Downton Abbey. There is even an animal chart if you're not into fictional characters. Anyway, it's a fun way to explore who we are, and how we interact as human beings.

On the animal chart I'm a dolphin, and the first words of the description are "contagiously happy," which I wasn't too sure about. Then a friend said that she felt like it was totally true about me. I laughed and said that I felt like I was contagiously bitchy crabby last week. 

contagiously happy dolphin
via here

So, on Friday morning, I woke up feeling rather  bitchy... er, crabby. And I had to cover to the front office desk, which meant I needed to be pleasant and polite, or exactly opposite of how I was really feeling. As I walked from the car into the office I remembered my friend saying that she felt I really was contagiously happy, and I said to myself, "Okay, Christine, you need to own this "contagiously happy" piece in you today, because if you don't people will be hurt."

So, I owned it. And people left my desk laughing all day long, and it was fun! And I still felt crabby at times, but more often than not I was smiling, and genuinely so. It took a little while for it to feel completely genuine, but I was glad that it finally did. Friday turned out to be a pretty good day in spite of my waking on the wrong side of the bed.

My point in sharing all of this? It's always surprising to me where the reminders come from to be better than I am.

I'm grateful that a fun conversation with my friends about personalities, and fictional characters would be the inspiration for me to choose to be in a better mood, and remember to treat others how I want to be treated.

I'm grateful for the variety in my life that allows friends and moments like these to help me choose better.

Thank you.

i gave myself 15 minutes...

I gave myself 15 minutes to write today. I don't know what will come up during the next 15 minutes, but whatever it is will be posted for the world to read, so I hope it's meaningful in some way.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch at 1 pm on a Friday afternoon.  This is a complete luxury, because on any other Friday I would be at work in a windowless cubicle trying to focus on what's in front of me, instead of what's around me. Friday afternoons at work tend to drag a bit.

So, today on this Friday, I'm discovering how "I can while away the hours ago, conferring with the flowers, consulting with the rain. And my head I'd be scratching while my thoughts were busy hatching, if I only had a brain". (Name that tune and that movie, please.) The Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, sings this as he explains to Dorothy what he wants from the Wizard. It can be applied to what I'm thinking about today. How I've wished for time to work on some projects, and clean my house, and read some books, and play some music, and run some errands, and talk to people, and sleep, and cook, and...well, you get the drift. I would ask the Wizard for time, or Hermoine for her time turner. (By the way the auto-correction for Hermoine is heroine, which I find totally fitting.)

And here I am suddenly with an abundance of time on my hands, feeling the pressure to get things done, but also not wanting the success of being furloughed to be a completed to-do list; rather, I want to fell more rested and more better. I've read some fun books, cleaned some nooks and crannies that desperately needed it. Thankfully, I haven't discovered a carpet beetle infestation like some other friends did, who are now spending their furlough days doing laundry, cleaning, and running to the Goodwill or the dry cleaners. My time is my own, and it's so very nice.

I guess my point in writing this, is that I hope I use this time off wisely. Sure, I have a to-do list, and I've crossed a few things off it. But in the end, time spent on the back porch in the hammock, soaking up the last sunlight of summer, drinking cold lemonade, listening to some really good music, and reading a lovely tale is the most delicious part of this time. Who knows, maybe I'll blow off my to-do list entirely, and just give myself up to the back porch entirely?

How I wish this was my back porch...
via here

thoughtful thursday: my country

boxing up

Today I helped a woman pack up her life. She has cancer and will soon go home. 

I went through her papers and photos. I decided what should be shredded and what should be kept. It was sobering. I found myself holding back the tears as I sat on the floor catching just a glimpse of her adventures and her life. It was so hard, realizing that we were helping her put her life in order. 

She has so much she still wants to do. She's worried about hurting feelings and treating the people around her with love as she deals with being very, very sick and leaving behind the life she loves here. Her body is starting to have to work much, much harder to do even the simple things like lift her hand to her mouth. Her attitude is the best, she's still laughing and enjoying the life she has. I hope I can be more like her in living and appreciating the life I have no matter what.

All week I've been thinking about her, praying for her, hoping for a last minute miracle. I have also done a lot of thinking. How life is so short, too short, too often. There's so much I want to do. That God has a plan for each of us. That it's the plan even when it seems like the plan has been abandoned and thrown to the wind. That I'd like to know more of the plan up front sometimes. And that life really is good even when it's not, and I would not trade this life for anything.

Above all I was thinking that I know she's in good hands. We all are. 

And I kept thinking about this quote:

God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things. It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.
 - Elder Uchtdorff, General Conference, April 2o13

thoughtful thursday: make these days memorable

i love this quote!

Do not let us speak of darker days;
Let us speak rather of sterner days.
These are not dark days; there are great days--
The greatest days our country has ever lived;
And we must all thank God that we have been allowed...
To play a part in making these days memorable
In the history of our race.
--Winston Churchill

i create

"Creativity is not something you wait for. It is something that waits for you. You must decide to be creative, not wait to be. You must challenge yourself. Pick up the brush. Grab hold of the camera. Start cooking the meal. Get to the workplace early. Propose the solution. Advance the idea. Become the answer."

I don't know who the author is of these thought provoking sentences.  It's stuck with me ever since a colleague, who sends daily emails with inspirational quotes, sent it to me. I copied and pasted it into a Word document, played around with the font and color, printed it, and stuck it up in my cubicle with my magnet that says, "Keep Calm and Boldly Go". I needed those words that day.

I've been feeling stuck in a funk lately, and very bored with work. Those words helped me start to look at what I create when I'm at work. They were the kick in the pants I needed.

I read somewhere else lately, that waiting around makes a person a consumer, who takes what they can get, instead of being a creator, who makes their own reality. I don't want to be a consumer. I want to contribute and create.

via here

I started a mental list of all the things I create in my life, and then started writing them down so I could remember them.

I create...

Beauty in my garden by taking care of the plants I put there and removing the weeds.

Smiles from people walk by looking at my garden. It's fun to sit and watch people coming and going.

Order at work by keeping on top of y projects and filing completed projects. (I really dislike filing, so this one is really hard for me to keep up on.)

Music when I sing and play the piano.

Warmth by crocheting hats and blankets.

Cleanliness when I clean up after myself and keep my house neat.

Friendships with people at work, in the neighborhood, at church, in line at CVS.

Love through service.

Laughter when listening to people share their funny stories or when I share my own.

Food. I enjoy cooking and making good things to eat and share with people.

Ideas by thinking about stuff and writing.

What do you create?